Corbyn massively outstays welcome at friend’s house

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn regularly stays far too long when he visits a friend’s house.

Party activist and friend Donna Sheridan used to be pleased to see Corbyn, but now feels he is incapable of taking the hint that it is time to finish his biscuit and go.

Sheridan said: “Once he gets settled with a Maryland cookie and a good discussion about the Venezuelan labour movement, it’s impossible to shift him.

“Even if I drop heavy hints like saying I got up early and I’m practically falling asleep, he can’t seem to grasp that it really is time to fuck off.

“Last week I told him I had to get dinner ready, but he mentioned he was only having boiled vegetables at home so I had to let him stick around for lasagne.

“Once I asked him to leave directly, but he said the fact that I’d invited him over gave him a clear mandate to have more cups of tea unless it was put to a vote by all party members.”

Corbyn said: “I fully admit I once stayed overnight on Donna’s sofa and helped myself to Weetabix, but that was due to the lack of a local night bus service caused by years of Tory underinvestment.”

Incredibly rich countries surprisingly win most gold medals

INCREDIBLY wealthy nations have surprisingly cleaned up at the Olympics.

America, Britain and China surprised everyone by winning the most medals after coincidentally spending a fortune on training and development.

An Olympics spokesman said: “Wealthy nations just happen to be the best at sport. They’re probably more motivated or something.

“Anyway it’s a great inspiration to less affluent countries to try harder, or at least buy some trainers with fancy soles.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies added: “The Olympics is great but it’s still nowhere near as good as the 1980 animated film, Animalympics, which is an absolute masterpiece.

There’s no doping scandals in it, no lying about getting held up at petrol stations and you get to see an alligator called Bolt Jenkins break the high jump, pole vault and the 100 meter dash records.

And you can watch it all in under an hour and a half unlike the actual Olympics which feels like it’s been going on for fucking months.”

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