Middle-class couple traumatised by V Festival

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple who went to V Festival have been left shocked and horrified.

Tom Booker and his wife Emma, who both work as illustrators, decided to buy tickets for yesterday’s V Festival after being lured by appearances from some fairly left-wing comedians.

However they soon found themselves penned into a massive arena with thousands of horny teenagers and people with neck tattoos going mental to Example and Rihanna.

Tom Booker said: “We didn’t know much about V Festival, but we assumed it would be a mid-sized performing arts festival in the vein of Latitude, with an acoustic tent and stalls selling local cheese.

“We could not have been more wrong.”

The Bookers found themselves exposed to most of Craig David’s set after fleeing some 14-year-old girls who claimed Emma was giving them ‘evils’.

Emma Booker said: “I like some urban music but only the kind that gets nominated for the Mercury Prize.

“People were drinking mass-produced lagers like Stella and Skol, or miniature bottles of spirits that they had stashed in their wellies. I asked the security guard where we could find the healing field or a lake where we could go wild swimming.

“He just looked at me and said ‘What?’”

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Batteries in remote granted eternal life

THE batteries in a television remote have seemingly been granted eternal life by a force greater than us.

The two AA batteries were bought along with the television five years ago and despite daily use they only require turning slightly every day to keep them amongst the living.

Owner Norman Steele said: “They’ll be here long after I’ve gone.

“In fact, they’ll probably use them to power the thing that’s going lower me into the crematorium.

“Obviously, they’ll have to make sure I’m totally dead first but if there’s a chance I’m not they should rub me gently between their hands and that might get an extra couple of days life out of me.”

Norman’s wife, Mary added: “We haven’t got any kids so we’ll probably end up leaving the house to the batteries.”