Corbyn secretly in love with Rory Stewart

JEREMY Corbyn has admitted to a huge ‘man-crush’ on Conservative leadership candidate Rory Stewart. 

The Labour leader had considered the Tory contest to be beneath him, but caught one glimpse of Stewart’s misfit charm and fell deeply in love. 

Corbyn said: “All my life I’ve been searching for him, but I never knew. 

“An intellectual posh boy well-versed in political theory. He’s just like Lenin. 

“Rory has travelled in Afghanistan and Nepal, smoked opium and written best-selling books. I’ve only ever looked up Palestine on Wikipedia.

“He’s got to be a communist at the very least. I would follow him slavishly in a single-party state anytime.” 

Corbyn added that he hardly ever thinks of previous crush Chuka Umunna these days, and does not care what he is up to.


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Johnson to spend leadership campaign dangling from a zip-wire in Macclesfield

BORIS Johnson is to spend the rest of the Tory leadership campaign suspended 40ft above an Asda car park in Macclesfield.

The frontrunner said he will be ‘incredibly visible’ for the next five weeks but ‘may not be able’ to answer detailed questions about his policies or character.

A spokesman said: “Dangling from a zip-wire while waving little flags is Boris at his best.

“It’s what the party membership wants from him and it sends a bold, uncompromising message to the EU.

“He also thinks that zip-wires are the best solution to the Irish back-stop. You can’t have a hard border if it’s 40ft above the ground. He wants to be sure that the zip-wires could cope with an 18-tonne lorry full of pigs.

“He’s also very excited about going to the toilet while dangling in mid-air.”