Corbyn to reflect on what 'p*ss off you beardy Red twat' could possibly mean

JEREMY Corbyn has announced that he and Labour are in a ‘process of reflection’ on what voters mean by telling him to ‘p*ss off’. 

The Labour leader has confirmed he will not lead the party into another election but he will continue to guide them while they work out what ‘we’d rather have that lying fat pr*ck than you’ is actually saying.

Corbyn said: “I’ve always said how important it is to listen to ordinary voters. It’s just that ‘Shove your 70s bullsh*t up your a*se sideways’ isn’t easily understood.

“So, for the next few months, we’ll be unpacking statements like ‘we hate you’, ‘this is all your fault’ and the short, pithy ‘get f**ked’ and trying to make sense of them.

“I will also, during this process of reflection, ensure that my hard-left colleagues tighten their stranglehold on the party and decide my replacement because who better? The Blairites? No thank you.

“I still think ‘Go and die, Obi Wan F**knuts’ could well mean ‘your manifesto is hugely popular and you’re the man for us’. If given the correct Marxist reading.”

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Five desperate ways Farage can draw attention to himself again

NIGEL Farage is a bit irrelevant now. So how can he slither back into the limelight again?

Start campaigning against Brexit

When we leave the EU, Farage stops being ‘Mr Brexit’ and becomes just another miserable old git banging on about immigration. By campaigning to get back into Europe he’ll have a high public profile and keep his nice MEP salary to boot.

Host a talk show

Farage could use his television skills to host a talk show – something like Jeremy Kyle, but with corporal punishment for the most feckless guests. Or just become a real-life Alan Partridge, hosting something like Pensioner Snowboarding.

Start a new political party about some nonsense

Nigel has already threatened to set up The Reform Party. It doesn’t really matter what the cause is, as long as he’s adored by 20 idiots in a rainy car park in Worthing. Maybe an exciting new political movement called ‘Bring Back The Shilling’.

Go on Strictly

Strictly is the refuge of all newly unemployed political figures and Nige would be perfect for the Ann Widdecombe/Ed Balls ‘rubbish but amusing’ slot. Though he’d refuse to dance the Paso Doble and Viennese Waltz because they sound a bit foreign.

Open a pub

It’s really time for him to retire, so what could be better than holding court in front of a bunch of bigoted Englishmen over a pint of bitter in a pub with sinister farming implements on the ceiling and a St George’s Cross on the flagpole outside?