Crow and Johnson 'will succumb to sexual tension'

BOB Crow and Boris Johnson will soon submit to the sexual tension between them, according to ACAS.

Meetings between the two have ended with both storming out of the board room to discuss with their friends how infuriating the other is and to ask why they can’t stop thinking about them.

Negotiator Wayne Hayes said: “We were really close to agreeing basic staffing levels when Boris brushed all the papers off the desk, stammered something, then broke down in tears.

“Bob rose from his chair, went to brush a lock of Boris’ hair from his face, then sat down again. I’ve been doing this job for 40 years and I’ve not seen heat like this since the days of Scargill and Thatcher.”

Friends of Crow say that he ‘has always had a thing for blondes’, with a source close to Johnson confirming that Lady Chatterley’s Lover is the mayor’s favourite novel.

Recent pictures of Crow on the beach in Brazil have only served to fan the flames of passion between them, with Johnson delaying a meeting to avert further strikes while he decides what outfit to wear.

In a recent poll, 75 percent of commuters said they could handle the mental image of the pair writhing on the floor, their meaty hands crushing each others’ thighs and shoulders, if it meant not having to go on buses.

A Johnson aide said: “We need this sorting. He spends all day in his office, staring out the window and humming I Just Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.”

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I had sex with a woman, says Miliband

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband has claimed to have done it with a girl. 

The unsolicited admission followed allegations of sexual behaviour by left-wing alpha males Tony Blair and Bill Clinton.

Miliband said: “I’m too much of a gentleman to reveal her name, but I will tell you that she was ideologically committed to solving issues of unequal wealth distribution.

“We met when I was 24 and attending a summer camp for social democratic teenagers in Sweden. I could pass for 18 at the time, I was a late developer.

“Inflamed by late-night discussion of a pan-European carbon emissions trading scheme, we took ourselves into the woods and made love. It was like an erotic scene in a film.

“Afterwards I couldn’t find one of my socks.”

Miliband said he didn’t take any photographs or contact details for his Nordic lover out of respect for her privacy, but it definitely happened.

The Prime Minister replied: “So what? My wife’s dad’s a Viscount. Beat that.”