Defeat-addicted government doesn’t know where to go for next fix

THE government has admitted it is addicted to parliamentary defeats and is already jonesing for another one. 

Cabinet sources said that after John Bercow, known to MPs as ‘the Sugarman’, refused to let them put their doomed Brexit bill back in front of the Commons they are desperate for another hit.

Jeremy Hunt said: “The first time we suffered a massive, humiliating parliamentary defeat we swore we’d never do it again. But within a month we were back for another one.

“We were going to have another one this week, then next week, then probably two or three the week after but now we’ve been left without anything and we’ve got the shakes. We’ve got them fucking bad.

“I don’t give a shit what it’s about. I’m willing to put my name to a private member’s bill outlawing living indoors if I have to, as long as that sweet, sweet No lobby gets filled.

“Please. I can’t go another 24 hours without parliament fucking me up. I’ll take a defeat in the Lords if I have to. Anything.”

The prime minister said: “I’m in touch with my connections on the continent. They’ve promised me some hardcore shit that will turn the whole Commons against us.”