Dom Cummings announces Lockdown 2 tour dates

DOMINIC Cummings has announced the dates of his forthcoming four-week Lockdown 2 tour of the UK. 

The prime minister’s special advisor has released dates, locations and branded merchandise for the highly-anticipated 26-date tour.

Tour manager Robert Jenrick said: “Lockdown’s back so Dom’s on the road.

“Beginning on Thursday with a London gig, he’s moving up the country to Durham for four nights headlining Barnard Castle and bluebell woods, with laser show.

“Then he’ll be testing his eyesight all the way up to Scotland, being clocked by the public in beauty spots in Lancashire, Wiltshire and the Cornish coast, before hopping into Wales and finally stopping for a slash against a tree near Belfast.

“Obviously he’ll have his family with him throughout. You can’t do a punishing schedule like this without a kid or two in the car.”

The Lockdown 2 Tour 2020 T-shirts and gilets will list all the locations where Dom can be seen on the rear, along with a quote from the police explaining there is insufficient evidence to investigate and the matter is considered closed.

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Middle class trick or treaters demanding at least 70 per cent cocoa 

MIDDLE CLASS children are demanding a minimum standard of chocolate for Halloween and will not accept anything with less than 70 per cent cocoa content.

Other stipulations include a layer of gold foil in the packaging, the name of the chocolatier on each square, and no cartoon mascots.

Nine-year-old Jack Browne said: “We know we are narrowing our potential returns. But most of the houses round here will only have this stuff anyway. If they don’t, we paint a cross on their door to warn the others.

“It also means we don’t have to bother with the council estate on the edge of the village. One of those houses has a washing machine in the garden. They’re not going to have Green & Black’s.”

Browne confirmed a schism over whether to accept Percy Pigs, with one faction saying they are okay because they come from Marks & Spencer, and the other rejecting them based on their worrying similarity to ‘tacky and mainstream’ Peppa Pig.

Local resident Tom Booker said: “I’ve got some 99 per cent chocolate lined up for them. I can’t eat it because it burns my throat. That’ll f**king teach them.”