People who pronounce it 'pan au shock-oh-lah' admit they want to be annoying

PEOPLE who insist on using a French accent to order a pastry in a British cafe have confessed that they enjoy being unbearably pretentious.

Those ordering chocolate croissants using strangled Gallic tones are coming under increasing pressure to stop being such twats.

Cafe owner Bill McKay said: “The croissants I sell are made in a factory in Milton Keynes and then baked on the premises here by a man called Alan. No part of the process is in any way French.

“My business relies on selling hot drinks and croissants, but I will not serve a customer who is being a dickhead. No French accents on the pastries and no Italian accents on the coffee. This isn’t a language school.”

Pastry fan Martin Bishop said: “I know this isn’t even how the French say it because I tried ordering one once in Paris and the waiter laughed out loud for a full three minutes before telling me to ‘pees uff’.

“However, when ordering my pastry of choice, I still try to hit every vowel sound in the most disagreeable way possible so everyone instantly knows I’m a massive cock.”


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Middle class couple want to show you their artisan soap

A MIDDLE CLASS couple are desperate to have friends round to show off the expensive and tasteful artisan soap they have in their bathroom.

Francesca and Tom Johnson choose to demonstrate their impressive wealth through the medium of overpriced and obscure bars of soap, which are often made by impoverished monks.

Francesca Johnson said: “We love asking people over for dinner and demonstrating how much money we’ve pissed up the wall on things you can actually buy very cheaply.

“We even go so far as to cook things that we know will give them the shits, just so we can be sure that they’ll definitely go into the bathroom and see what’s on offer.

“Our favourite at the moment is a sea salt and basil beeswax scrub from an apothecary in Scotland. It’s the scratchy kind with bits of twig and gravel stuck inside it. You have to be careful or you’ll slice your hands open on a genuine Highland thistle.

“You get what you pay for, I suppose. That one’s only £25 a pop.”