Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Donald Trump's guide to winking at the camera

HI, I’m US president Donald Trump and I’m going to let you into a little secret – some of the things I say, I don’t really mean. Here’s how I do it.

Have a dumb audience of Trump supporters

They’ll know exactly what you mean, and think you’re smart for doing it. Aim for an audience that’s roughly as stupid as my son Donald Jr. Winking at cameras with ‘Fox News’ on them is best.

Say something reasonable

This is where you say something normal. For example: “Please don’t hate on Nancy Pelosi”, “I’m taking this virus very seriously” or “I hope elderly, forgetful Joe Biden makes a great president and lives a long and happy life.”

Pause for effect

Leave a pause that makes it obvious you’re not sincere, even if your previous 74 years have made it clear already. This is where a clever showman like me might literally wink at a camera.

Refuse to answer questions

Don’t say more than you have to. If a degenerate journalist asks for an explanation, give them a scoff, a shake of the head, or a facial expression like ham getting sucked down a plughole.

And that’s it

You see, it’s easy if you’re already such an irredeemable jerk that the truth refuses to attach itself to you. Please don’t do anything bad on your way home.