Don't worry, there's loads of ways around it, Tories reassure rich

THE Conservatives have reassured wealthy voters that there are loads of loopholes in their death tax and they will not lose a penny. 

The tax is intended to take any inheritance above £100,000 to cover care costs, but senior Tories have confirmed that it will only apply to the little people. 

A spokesman said: “Anyone with property worth £500,000 or more who’s worried about this just needs to get a good accountant. 

“Blind trusts, shell companies, offshore accounts, putting it in the dog’s name, rezoning an 18-bedroom country manor as an industrial unit, whatever’s most convenient. 

“This isn’t for us. Like all Tory policies, it’s targeted at those drab middle-earners living in their awful cul-de-sacs, to make sure they don’t help their pinch-faced offspring up the social ladder. 

“Of course, if you’re truly rich, then death taxes are irrelevant. Death is something we’ve moved beyond.” 

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Pringles 'eat your soul'

PRINGLES potato chips destroy your soul, it has been confirmed.

As it was confirmed that Pringles tubes are incredibly difficult to recycle and will outlast human civilisation, experts added that snack was also vile, shameful and unnatural.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Even the way they are perfectly stacked is wrong and vaguely militaristic. They’re like snack soldiers, ready to march into your mouth, even against your will.

“The Pringles ingredient that melts your soul is one of those chemicals listed on the tube that sounds like an obscure species of dinosaur. When they gave it to mice their eyes turned jet black and they started gibbering in Latin.”

“That said, talking about Pringles has made me really want to go and buy some Pringles, and eat them all in one go.

“And then feel like a lesser man.”