LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is to restore his party to power with meat suits, eye liner and ending every sentence with the expression ‘va-va’.
Insisting Britain needed a new politics if it was to regain its economic strength, Mr Miliband promised far-reaching social reform, a new relationship between voters and MPs and to drive a tin rocket into work.
Mr Miliband outlined his plans as he hosted his first monthly press conference as ‘The Twoo’, his avant-garde alter-ego.
Wearing a blazer made of prosciutto he said he would only announce policies after listening to the rhythm of the Thames but stressed that he would occasionally punctuate the end of his sentences with sounds that represent his internalised ideals.
Rolling a beetroot across the floor, The Twoo said: “I am going to cover myself in problem paint and then ask voters to make handprints on my solution canvas. Va-va.
“I’m smashing through the fourth wall of politics like an angry student boot through the window pane of a public phone booth that no-one uses any more.
“It’s no longer about being to the left or right, it’s taking the whole concept of politics outside of time and space and telling John Reid he is nothing more than a dead hedgehog, decomposing at the side of my mind path. Va-va.”
He added: “This movement is all about filling the policy vacuum and saying that budget cuts can be conceptual, we just have to dream it.
“Now tell ‘The Twoo’ that’s not assertive.”