Ed Miliband to become a lot more avant-garde

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is to restore his party to power with meat suits, eye liner and ending every sentence with the expression ‘va-va’.

Insisting Britain needed a new politics if it was to regain its economic strength, Mr Miliband promised far-reaching social reform, a new relationship between voters and MPs and to drive a tin rocket into work.

Mr Miliband outlined his plans as he hosted his first monthly press conference as ‘The Twoo’, his avant-garde alter-ego.

Wearing a blazer made of prosciutto he said he would only announce policies after listening to the rhythm of the Thames but stressed that he would occasionally punctuate the end of his sentences with sounds that represent his internalised ideals.

Rolling a beetroot across the floor, The Twoo said: “I am going to cover myself in problem paint and then ask voters to make handprints on my solution canvas. Va-va.

“I’m smashing through the fourth wall of politics like an angry student boot through the window pane of a public phone booth that no-one uses any more.

“It’s no longer about being to the left or right, it’s taking the whole concept of politics outside of time and space and telling John Reid he is nothing more than a dead hedgehog, decomposing at the side of my mind path. Va-va.”

He added: “This movement is all about filling the policy vacuum and saying that budget cuts can be conceptual, we just have to dream it.

“Now tell ‘The Twoo’ that’s not assertive.”



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NHS reform to definitely work this time

THE government is to press ahead with massive changes to the NHS because this time it is obviously going to work.

Health secretary Andrew Lansley insisted all the previous massive reforms had missed out something really simple and that all he had to do was to make sure that did not happen again.

And he stressed that this time it would definitely work because the government had asked a lot of doctors what they think.

Mr Lansley said: “The key problem is the primary care trust system which has reduced hospitals to being nothing more than a lot of doctors and nurses in a big building treating people who aren’t well.

“We need to erase that idea from our national consciousness and instead see hospitals as large buildings, staffed by distinct types of medical professional who are focused on making sick people feel better.”

He added: “It is time to put patients in charge of their own healthcare. While that may lead initially to some catastrophic misdiagnoses and thousands of easily preventable deaths, it is surely better than some top down, centralised bureaucracy where ordinary patients are constantly told what to do by qualified medical professionals who see them as nothing more than a human being that is displaying a set of symptoms of which they have a high degree of expert knowledge.

“And also the term ‘primary care trust’ was invented by someone from the Labour Party, so it’s shit.”

Patients have welcomed the latest massive reform claiming it could not possibly fail and that they were all really looking forward to going to hospital now.

Roy Hobbs, 56, from Huntingdon, recently took part in a pilot scheme which he described as ‘fresh and exciting’ and ‘easily the best NHS reform’ he has ever seen.

He added: “When I went in it for some tests it was just Peterborough City Hospital, but when I came out three hours later it was the Edith Cavell Wellness Delivery Interchange, Powered by Diet Fanta.

“They still don’t know why my head is the size of a basketball, but I feel much happier knowing that Fanta is on my team.”