Every good thing that happens proves the Conservatives got it right

THE heatwave, puppies and the poisoning of Game of Thrones tyrant Joffrey prove that austerity is working, the Tories have claimed.

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said: “I look outside and see blossom on trees, birds building nests and children playing delightful innocent games, showing the effectiveness of the bedroom tax.

“Ordinary people enjoying a cup of tea, a Bourbon biscuit and Countdown should be reminded that all these things are only possible because of the introduction of market-led reforms to the NHS.

“Stubbed toes, wasps and the shortage of Frozen merchandise are hangovers from Gordon Brown’s Labour administration.”

Ed Miliband has responded by promising that under Labour there will be more Labradors chasing Frisbees, a greater chance of double rainbows, and simultaneous mass orgasms if a given set of economic conditions are met.

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World War III can't decide where to start

THE coming world war which will devastate 90 per cent of the planet can’t settle on where to begin.

World War III has apologised to the world’s population for its indecision, explaining that it wants to get it right because you only get to do this once.

The impending global conflict said: “Syria, Afghanistan, the whole Ukraine thing – you don’t need to tell me it’s dragged on far too long.

“But just when I’ve finally picked the flashpoint some new location comes up. It’s like going to Subway, there’s just too much choice.

“Wherever it starts, you’ll be sniping at your half-starved former neighbours from the bombed-out ruin of your home within six months, and that’s a promise.”

The war’s assistants have rejected the Middle East as “too obvious” and confirmed that a global thermonuclear conflict was abandoned for being “depressing and hopelessly retro”.

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “World War III is so intimidated by the success of World War II – great villain, exotic locations, still a classic – that it’s afraid to do anything.

“We came up with a whole new angle based on Mexican drug wars spreading into the US that tested really well with focus groups, but that suffered death by a thousand meetings.

“I honestly don’t know if it’ll ever happen. Which is a real shame.”