Everybody ordered to get with their Brexit Buddy

THE entire population of the UK must spend the next two years with their government-assigned Brexit Buddy.

In anticipation of the triggering of Article 50, letters are arriving at every home in Britain today informing everyone of the identity of their allocated Buddy and warning them to be in the same location within 48 hours.

Home secretary Amber Rudd said: “The buddy system, used on ski slopes and geography field trips, will ensure all British citizens stay safe during the turbulent process of exiting the EU.

“For the next 24 months everyone must be no further than two miles from their allocated Brexit Buddy and must report in with them at least every 30 minutes.”

Julian Cook of Reading said: “Are we allowed to swap buddies? Because mine’s in Stirling.

“He seems nice enough on the phone but it’s more than 400 miles away, we both work full-time and neither of us has a spare room, but neither can we afford £80 a day each in fines.

“This makes no sense, will cost at least one of us our jobs and create loads of hassle for no good reason. As a form of preparation, it could not be more perfect.”

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I have no idea what I have just done

AS prime minister and leader of your country, I have just done something which will have consequences completely unknown to me. 

By sending an Article 50 letter to the EU, which has never been done before, I have metaphorically pressed a big red button marked ‘Do Not Press’ just to see what happens.

Normally, the role of a country’s leader is to be fully briefed on all possible contingencies of any decision they make, rather than to be entirely oblivious about it.

But on this occasion, it is not my job to know what I am doing. My job is only to leap into the unknown and now, just as Northern Ireland has no government and Scotland is drumming up support for independence and the US has gone mad, is the perfect time.

As my mother once said, you get nowhere in life without taking chances. Although to be fair she said that when I was nervous about going pony trekking on a school trip, which is a slightly different thing.

Please join me in hoping it all works out.