EVERYONE in Britain is to be made a member of the House of Lords after lending the Labour Party £2.7 billion.
Prime minister Jim Callaghan is expected to write to everyone today, thanking them personally for the loan and stressing he knows absolutely nothing about it.
Wayne Hayes, a plumber's mate from Croydon, said: "Oooh, look at me, I'm Lord Wayne. Fetch me a cup of Earl Grey and a cucumber sandwich, my good man."
He added: "I shall call myself Baron Hayes of Carling and I shall ride down Croydon High Street in a golden carriage throwing cans of lager for the kiddies."
Gemma Harding, a secretary from Lincolnshire, said: "I think Baroness Harding of 33 The Beeches, Peterborough, PE12 6JL, will look really lovely on my official letterhead.
"I shall use my position to reopen the inquest into the death of Princess Diana, because I was really enjoying it."
There were suggestions last night that Labour would use the money to buy cigarettes for poor people.
A Downing Street source said: "We'll hire a big van, drive over to France and load it up with fags.
"The Cabinet will then take turns driving it around council estates, chucking ciggies to the braying mobs."
The source added: "We'll probably start in Crewe because it's nice and central."