Everyone To Become A Lord As Taxpayers Lend Labour £2.7 Billion

EVERYONE in Britain is to be made a member of the House of Lords after lending the Labour Party £2.7 billion.

Prime minister Jim Callaghan is expected to write to everyone today, thanking them personally for the loan and stressing he knows absolutely nothing about it.

Wayne Hayes, a plumber's mate from Croydon, said: "Oooh, look at me, I'm Lord Wayne. Fetch me a cup of Earl Grey and a cucumber sandwich, my good man."

He added: "I shall call myself Baron Hayes of Carling and I shall ride down Croydon High Street in a golden carriage throwing cans of lager for the kiddies."

Gemma Harding, a secretary from Lincolnshire, said: "I think Baroness Harding of 33 The Beeches, Peterborough, PE12 6JL, will look really lovely on my official letterhead.

"I shall use my position to reopen the inquest into the death of Princess Diana, because I was really enjoying it."

There were suggestions last night that Labour would use the money to buy cigarettes for poor people.

A Downing Street source said: "We'll hire a big van, drive over to France and load it up with fags.

"The Cabinet will then take turns driving it around council estates, chucking ciggies to the braying mobs."

The source added: "We'll probably start in Crewe because it's nice and central."

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Sex And The City 'Totally Empowering', Says Manky Slapper

SEX and the City is totally empowering and totally feminist – but in a good way, fans of the show said last night.

Nikki Hollis said she had secretly worried she might be an easily manipulated, man-obsessed skank who dressed like a transvestite prostitute until she saw the movie this week.

But the fashion PR said she realised now she was a strong, independent woman in touch with her sexuality who liked white wine and occasionally left her knickers in an alley.

She said: "For too long we have allowed men to be at the centre of our lives, to dictate how we dress, and how we act. Well now it's our turn to get we want.

"If I want to go out in crippling heels and a tiny skirt, and do it next to the bins with some guy I met in a bar, then no outmoded patriachal view of society is going to stop me.

"I dress like this to please myself. Yeah, all the plain girls stare, the jealous hairy bitches, but only because I can have the men they can't. I can have any man I want. How feminist is that?"

Hollis added: "So I sleep with a lot of guys, but I’m totally in control and it’s all on my terms. I’m a suffragette in crotchless panties.

"When I’m lying on my back with my ankles round my ears, I’m thinking 'If only Emmeline Pankhurst could see me now'."

Tom Logan, a speed-dater from Dagenham said: "Of course you're a feminist, love. Good for you. Now let’s go outside and you can suck my ding-dong."