Evil woodland folk demand return of Gove

IT IS time for changeling Michael Gove to return to his own kind, according to malevolent woodland sprites.

After being substituted for a human baby many years ago, the creature calling itself Gove must now stop causing mischief in our world and return to the forest.

King of the tree sprites Tom Logan said: “It’s amazing Gove has passed as human for so long, it’s over 5000 years now since he was first hatched from a small green egg.

“He’s only amongst humans because a woodcutter pissed us off by chopping down a magic yew tree and we stole his baby, but the curse has expired now so we want Gove back on sprite duty molesting unwary travellers.

“I’m quite impressed with all the trouble he’s caused though, so I might see if he can get the flower fairies to start a pointless campaign to leave the forest.”

Gove, real name Crikkety Wikkety, said: “I’d love to stay meddling in human affairs, but I should really get back to luring people off the path and deep into the woods where the witches can get them.

“It’s going to be awkward telling my wife I’m an evil wood sprite, but I think she already has her suspicions due to certain root-like parts of my anatomy.”

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Voters ‘treated like children’ because they basically are, say experts

POLITICIANS treat voters like children because they act like children, experts have confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “You want lots of nice things, but you don’t want to pay for them.

“You believe stories about the EU ‘banning bent cucumbers and straight bananas’. You get your opinions from newspapers that are, essentially, comics.

“And you like Boris Johnson.

“That’s why the Brexit campaign offers you unlimited toys and the Remain campaign tells you there’s an insane clown under your bed.”

He added: “It’s genuinely amazing that you’re allowed to vote in the first place. I’d disenfranchise all of you without a moment’s hesitation.”