Explained: The six possible Brexit shitshows

THE UK has reached a Brexit crossroads, but which ill-advised choice will we make and which completely avoidable shitshow will we stumble idiotically into?

May deal passed by Commons

This scenario, requiring half of Labour, most of the Tories and fuck it the SNP to back a Brexit deal way worse than our status quo, condemns Britain to a twilit half-life trapped in and out of the EU like a ghost haunting the place of its murder waiting for someone to investigate but nobody is.

May deal rejected by Commons

This scenario, considered extremely likely because everyone a) hates Theresa May and b) wants to see what will happen, gives the prime minister 21 days to come up with a new deal. 21 days for someone whose last new idea was in 1998. Come on. That’ll be worth watching.

May replaced as leader by extreme Brexiter

Expected to make the EU quake in terror, it will instead cause them to walk away from negotiations muttering “Fuck this,” and seal the Channel Tunnel with concrete. Britain will then enjoy a wonderful, nostalgic re-run of its glory days in George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four. 

Extension of Article 50

The EU decides, given the level of the debate so far, to treat Britain like a toddler told he can definitely drive Daddy’s car next weekend. Consecutive indefinite extensions will leave Britain delighted it’s getting its Brexit without realising it will never arrive.

Second referendum

Forcing Nigel Farage out of retirement like Rambo in the 2008 film, this restages the referendum on the basis that enough people have come to their senses or died since then. Overestimating the intelligence and underestimating the death wish of the UK sees the same result returned, to the exact vote.

War

After a saintly couple of centuries of not invading Europe or only doing it to be nice, Britain returns to its comfort zone and starts wars with France, Portugal, Spain, the Netherlands and Belgium. Everyone sighs with relief that things are back how they used to be.