Farage backs him being on TV every single f**king day again

NIGEL Farage has backed a second Brexit referendum or anything else that will make him relevant again. 

The former UKIP leader spoke out after realising the only TV interview he had been offered today was The Wright Stuff on something called ‘Channel 5’.

He said: “If the only way to settle the argument of whether I am a minor political figure or a world-bestriding statesman is a second referendum, then I am prepared to support it.

“There will be no complicated choices. The British people will be asked to pick between hard Brexit, a return to medieval values and Nigel Farage as president-for-life, or being wrong.

“I am confident, given the assurances I have received from Moscow, that the result will be even more of a landslide than the previous 52 per cent landslide.

“Then, finally, we will kill off any speculation that I am not the greatest figure of British history for a generation.”

The show then heard from caller Bill McKay of Taunton, who wanted to know why his council could not complete their simple task of collecting the bins.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

If these algorithms know me so well, how come they aren’t advertising Poundstretcher and Wetherspoons?

BY Nathan Muir

THE internet, we’re told, is a sinister force harvesting our data to create a complete picture of our lives, precision-targeting us with adverts and all but controlling our minds. 

Well, all I can say is when it comes to me, they’re severely underestimating what a cheap bastard I am.

Good luck to them, but the sidebar on my Facebook page is basically one long avenue of over-expensive trees they’re barking up.

Surely they know my credit rating? But for the last five months they’ve been pushing Ted Baker suits at me when I work at a distribution warehouse and dress from Primark.

I keep seeing decking adverts. Nice try. I live in a fourth-floor flat. I’ve as much chance of decking a garden as I have of decking Anthony Joshua.

Investment portfolios? Piss off. If they only tried a deluxe box of Heritage Shapes and Choc Chip Shortbreads from Poundstretcher for £1.99. That’s more my speed.

Or lunchtime deals on guest ales at Wetherspoons. Or scratchcards. Or shit cars with 87,000 miles on the clock.

Do that, and I will start to worry that Mark Zuckerberg knows me better than I know myself. Till then, my poverty is my shield of impregnability.