Sunday, 27th September 2020

Fill the Channel with sharks: Priti Patel's migrant defence plan in full

YOU call them migrants. I call it an invasion worse than anything the Nazis planned so our shores must be defended by any means necessary. And I’m home secretary. 

Fill the Channel with sharks

Global warming isn’t all bad if it means that a thriving population of bull sharks can be nurtured between here and France. A Channel absolutely teeming with them will deter migrants and protect us from Spanish fisherman after our sovereignty.

Razor wire and landmines

The Kent coast is one of England’s treasures, and can only be enhanced in the eyes of patriots by a 30ft razor wire fence defending a strip of landmines. Boy Scouts will patrol it night and day to earn their xenophobia badges, and regular explosions will gladden hearts.

Paint ‘Welcome to Syria’ on the White Cliffs of Dover

Migrants are easily fooled, and won’t believe their rotten luck when they see this and realise they’ve travelled in a big circle. The best part is they’ll only realise they’ve been tricked when they get back to Damascus.

Weaponise Nigel Farage

These scum are terrified of their natural enemy, Nigel Farage. Straw blazer-clad effigies holding a pint and smoking B&H lining our beaches will be such a repellent, toxic sight they’ll turn back immediately.


We shouldn’t be afraid to use our nuclear deterrent only a few miles from our own shores. If fallout and radiation poisoning scare us, imagine what it’ll do to them. Any price is worth paying for Britain’s safety.

Make the UK an undesirable place to live

Making the UK an inhospitable economic wasteland rampant with Covid will soon stem the tide. How else can you explain Conservative policy over the last decade? We’re not doing this just for fun, you know.