Five coups more successful than Jacob Rees-Mogg's

AFTER years claiming to be a powerful Conservative force, Jacob Rees-Mogg’s attempt to unseat May has left him as humiliated as his tiny mentula left him in the showers at Eton.

But which coups have been more successful?

Bay of Pigs
The attempted coup which sparked the Cuban Missile Crisis, the assassination of JFK and left Fidel Castro in power for the next 55 years was still better than Jacob Rees-Mogg’s failed bid to get enough letters to depose a hugely unpopular prime minister.

The 2016 Labour leadership coup
Recognising the categorical unfitness for government of Jeremy Corbyn, Labour MPs forced a leadership contest but then forgot to put up a rival candidate. Corbyn won and everyone agreed he would be a great prime minister after all.

Mark Thatcher and Equatorial Guinea
Margaret Thatcher’s son attempted the violent overthrow of a country to win his mother’s love, but his army was caught before even getting there and he was tried, sentenced and castrated live on Radio Asonga.

Mutya Buena seizes control of the Sugababes
Having ruthlessly disposed of Siobhán, Buena was poised to take total power and planned a thousand-year Sugababe dynasty. However she lasted only days before being assassinated by former ally Keisha, ironically later to be overthrown herself.

When someone drove a tank to the BBC to get Clarkson back on Top Gear
Pre-Brexit, when nothing really mattered, a doomed bid to see violent offender Jeremy Clarkson reinstated on Top Gear saw a man dressed as the Stig drive a tank to Broadcasting House to deliver a petition. Which was ignored.

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Darts players tested to make sure they're pissed

DARTS players will be drug tested to ensure they are properly pissed.

As a team of Canadian curlers were disqualified for being drunk, darts officials said they wanted to make sure that no-one ever plays the ‘sport’ while simply pretending to be drunk.

Administrator Roy Hobbs said: “Sadly, nowadays you do hear about players only drinking a few before a game – or not having a beer at all. If we catch anyone testing negative for being shitfaced they will be banned immediately.”

Darts Player Wayne Hayes said: “I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I have never considered drinking water before a match, or pretending to slur my words.

“I would never want to win sober. It wouldn’t mean anything to me.”