Saturday, 7th December 2019

Five unlikely things Labour is to blame for

THE Tories have used the ‘Trump playbook’ to put the blame for last week’s terror attack on Labour. What else can they implausibly pin on them?

Rain

Before Clement Attlee’s Labour government of 1945, there was no rain in Britain. He and his socialist buddies introduced it purely to spite the upper classes, and Corbyn is likely to increase rain levels still further out of class envy toward people with expensive gas-fired barbecues.

The financial crisis of 2008

Labour was directly responsible for the crash of 2008, first because they were in power so must be, second because they were giving mortgages to American deadbeat crack addicts. The scam was masterminded by Gordon Brown, who used the profits to buy a 250-room solid gold castle in Glasgow.

Impossible-to-open clamshell packaging

Whenever you buy some tedious item like a plug adapter, you’re guaranteed a battle with clamshell packaging that forces you to blunt your scissors and leaves you with lethally sharp plastic edges to slash your fingers on. Want to know which f**ker invented it? Tony b*stard Blair.

Pigeons

These aerial sh*tting machines were genetically engineered by demented Labour scientists in their genetic laboratory in Millbank, where they also grew Ed Miliband in a giant test tube.

Constipation

Yvette Cooper’s little-known Constipation Bill of 1998 made supermarkets put glue and gravel in food to cause painful anal blockages. Next time you’re straining over the toilet bowl, remember this is what happens when you vote Labour.