Thursday, 15th April 2021

Five ways Boris Johnson will f**k up getting his jab

WITH Boris Johnson set to get his first dose of the Oxford vaccine, here’s how he’ll turn getting a jab into the latest of his long line of f**k-ups.

Shaking hands

Having learnt nothing from his near-death experience last year, the prime minister will strut around the vaccination centre shaking hands with people. Seeing nurses looking on in horror, our blustering leader will swiftly correct himself by popping a face mask over his mouth but not his nose.

Cracking jokes about murderers

Medical appointments make everyone nervous, including the prime minister. To lighten the mood, Johnson will resort to the comedy staple of struggling comedians and make a gag about a high-profile murderer. Then wonder why everyone looks awkward when he says to the doctor administering the jab: ‘Hope you’re not Harold Shipman!’

Presenting his arse

With his knowledge of medicine extending only to a viewing of Carry On Nurse, Johnson will think it’s entirely appropriate to drop his trousers and get his arse out for the vaccination. He may well also mutter ‘Ooh matron’ and ask if he is going to feel a little prick, causing a nurse to cringe and laugh awkwardly.

Making a problematic quip

Now that the EU has resumed using the Oxford vaccine, the prime minister won’t be able to resist the opportunity to stick the knife in while getting jabbed. Expect him to wave a little Union Jack and say ‘Take that, Fritz!’ as the needle goes in, making trade negotiations with the EU even more difficult than they already are.

Forgetting to get a second dose

The moment he’s out of the vaccine centre, Johnson will forget about the whole tedious vaccine business and keep doing his photo opportunities as if the virus doesn’t exist. This will set an example the rest of the nation will follow, and before you know it we’ll be back to square one again by Christmas.