Five ways Boris Johnson will f**k up getting his jab

WITH Boris Johnson set to get his first dose of the Oxford vaccine, here’s how he’ll turn getting a jab into the latest of his long line of f**k-ups.

Shaking hands

Having learnt nothing from his near-death experience last year, the prime minister will strut around the vaccination centre shaking hands with people. Seeing nurses looking on in horror, our blustering leader will swiftly correct himself by popping a face mask over his mouth but not his nose.

Cracking jokes about murderers

Medical appointments make everyone nervous, including the prime minister. To lighten the mood, Johnson will resort to the comedy staple of struggling comedians and make a gag about a high-profile murderer. Then wonder why everyone looks awkward when he says to the doctor administering the jab: ‘Hope you’re not Harold Shipman!’

Presenting his arse

With his knowledge of medicine extending only to a viewing of Carry On Nurse, Johnson will think it’s entirely appropriate to drop his trousers and get his arse out for the vaccination. He may well also mutter ‘Ooh matron’ and ask if he is going to feel a little prick, causing a nurse to cringe and laugh awkwardly.

Making a problematic quip

Now that the EU has resumed using the Oxford vaccine, the prime minister won’t be able to resist the opportunity to stick the knife in while getting jabbed. Expect him to wave a little Union Jack and say ‘Take that, Fritz!’ as the needle goes in, making trade negotiations with the EU even more difficult than they already are.

Forgetting to get a second dose

The moment he’s out of the vaccine centre, Johnson will forget about the whole tedious vaccine business and keep doing his photo opportunities as if the virus doesn’t exist. This will set an example the rest of the nation will follow, and before you know it we’ll be back to square one again by Christmas.

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BMW driver causes 10-car pile-up after unexpectedly using indicator

A MOTORIST caused a large accident after veering off the road in shock when the BMW in front of him indicated at a roundabout.

Martin Bishop was having a pleasant drive when he suddenly noticed the driver of the 5 Series with tinted windows informing other road users of his intention to turn left.

Bishop said: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was so surprised that I swerved onto the other side of the road.

“I hit another driver who’d stopped to take a photo of because it was such a rare occurrence. Before I knew it, eight other cars had shunted into me and all because one idiot in a BMW had decided to indicate.

“Nobody expects that sort of thing to happen when they’re driving – I hope the police clamp down on this wholly irresponsible behaviour.”

Nathan Muir, who was driving the BMW, said it was a perfectly innocent mistake.

He explained: “I hadn’t planned to signal. The sun had briefly gone behind a cloud and as I reached to turn on my extra-bright foglights I accidentally nudged the indicator.

“I can assure other motorists they won’t have to worry about me doing it again.”