George Osborne announces Osborne City

THE chancellor has declared that a new city is to be built following the principles of Osbornism.

The city, which will be constructed by untrained Workfare slaves fuelled only by pride, will be a profit-led paradise in the shape of George Osborne’s heroic profile.

Osborne said: “This incredible project will be built on an extremely desirable tract of sewage floodplain.

“And with austerity – my steadfast mistress – as its guide it will have no street lights, road markings, or police, the citizens relying on the magnificence of the free market to give them whatever they need.”

The city of 150,000 will be dominated by the gleaming silver towers of the elite, with moving walkways that take them to their offices but only go in one direction.

Food is to be consumed intravenously to cut out uneconomic lunch breaks, while manual workers will be painted silver and must pretend to be robots to make social contact with their superiors less embarrassing.

Osborne continued: “I did think about calling it Osbornopolis but I’m saving that for 2025 when the UK’s budget surplus is large enough to purchase New York.

“Or maybe that should be the capital city of Mars? God, this job is hard.”


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Health not that important

YOUR health is not especially important, according to a new study.

After weeks of conflicting dietary advice in the media, researchers at the Institute for Studies concluded that health was over-emphasised compared to other lifestyle factors like pleasure.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Having a long life is all very well, but what if that life is utterly tedious? Happiness is impossible to quantify but resting heart rate and body weight are, which is why really dull people obsess about those things.

“They are still going to die though.

“If you compare someone who exercises every day to someone who gets pissed every other night, the former might live ten or 15 years longer. It’s not a lot when you think about it. It’s questionable whether it’s worth bothering.”

Professor Brubaker added that health was particularly unimportant as most humans will never amount to much anyway.

“For the vast majority of us, what we do work-wise is fairly routine and doesn’t involve discovering or inventing anything particularly great.

“So if we die a bit early it’s not that big a deal, humanity isn’t particularly going to lose out.”