God we bloody hate the Lib Dems, say Tory backbenchers

A RECORD number of Tory MPs last night said the Lib Dems are a bunch of homos.

David Cameron faced the biggest rebellion of his premiership as more than 80 of his backbenchers voted for a motion which said Vince Cable wears lipstick and dances around in frilly underpants.

Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, MP for Worthing East, said: “He tried to touch my bum. I fought him off but he had this wild look in his eye that seemed to say, ‘I will take you, roughly’.

“I am not a homophobe, I just don’t want some Lib Dem fancy boy peering at my John Thomas every time I go for a tinkle.”

Martin Bishop, who earlier resigned as Theresa May’s unpaid cupholder, said: “Lib Dems do not share my British values. They like being with naked men.

“That’s fine, but they have no right to drug me, bungle me into the back of their van and then make me do weird, mucky things while they video it and then threaten to put it on YouTube.

“We need to repatriate our democracy from these deviants, perhaps through some sort of national voting thing.”

Polls say more than 40% of Britons back the rebels, with many claiming a Lib Dem comes round their house once a week and asks if he can sort their cucumbers.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “He stood there in my kitchen saying ‘this cucumber is too wide’ and then he licked his lips. I fainted dead away.

“And he’s always asking to borrow money. But I keep telling him, ‘you think you’re bad with money, you should see my overdraft’.

“‘You stupid poof’.”


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No Q Awards footage before watershed, say parents

BROADCASTERS have been attacked for showing graphic scenes of Bono while children could be watching.

The disturbing footage, which also appears to show Adele and Coldplay being pleased with themselves on a red carpet, was broadcast on several channels without advance warning leaving people to throw up into the same hands that are scrabbling for the remote control.

Carlisle mother of three Nikki Hollis said: “I know there are awful things in the world like Bon Iver’s album or The Edge trying to look cool, but I want to protect my kids from all that for as long as I can.

“Right now they’re at that wonderfully naive age where they think pop music is all Hard Dubstyle and Grime 2-Step but after that disgusting Q footage my youngest came up to me asked me what an Ed Sheeran is.

“I told him there was no such thing, but I could see a little bit of his innocence slipping away.”

Newspaper editors have been asked to pixellate out the more distressing sections of Q awards ceremonies, such as that face Noel Gallagher pulls to show he is treating all this ironically but is still happy to pose for photos, pick up his award and make a nice, cheeky speech.

In future Siouxsie Sioux is to be mentioned without being shown on-screen at all after over 300 complaints from viewers who feared their television had become possessed, like something out of The Ring.

But Hollis asked: “Why do they need to report this stuff at all? Why don’t we throw away all decency completely and talk about the Mojo awards like it’s a normal thing?”