MICHAEL Gove has ordered Britain to work from pubs, drink in the office and only meet members of their household outside.
The chancellor of the Duchy of Murdoch has also advised Britons that if they do not observe the 10pm curfew they must self-isolate at a sporting event for 14 days, accompanied only by Scottish children.
He continued: “It’s perfectly simple. The rule of six means that any group of six must be from a minimum of six different households and more if possible.
“Offices are perfectly safe for drinking and pubs are ideal places for administrative work. Eat out at home if you can.
“You’re only allowed to be outside if you’re inside, and whatever your position at 10pm you must reverse it. Grandparents are an exception to every rule because they vote Tory.
“Any wedding and ensuing marriage must be completed within one hour. Guests should take each others’ names and report each other. Everyone will be fine, and subsequently fined £10,000.”
He added: “Common sense? We own common sense. Common sense does what it’s bloody well told.”