Government unveils surefire ‘privatisation’ solution to trains being f**ked

THE transport secretary is to solve Britain’s rail problems using a foolproof strategy called ‘more privatisation’.

Chris Grayling and his team worked through the night to come up with the idea of fixing Britain’s feeble train network by putting more of it into private hands.

Undersecretary Nathan Muir said: “Chris had us doing all these exercises to get us out of our conventional way of thinking and generate genuinely left-field ideas. 

“We knew that the problems of spiralling fares, huge subsidies and chronic mismanagement were down to privatisation, so we approached the issue backwards. 

“What’s the very last thing anyone would think of, the solution so outlandish nobody is considering it? Then it came to us: more privatisation.

“Free market competition always drives up standards, especially in a situation where the consumer will only ever have a choice of one thing.”

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said: “Now, the trains. I’m sure we’ve got a policy on this, haven’t we?

“We must try to get a press release out before Christmas.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Colleague insists on using bollocks file-sharing thing

A WORKER is insisting his colleagues use some annoying file-sharing app he has found, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop has been sending documents and pictures via a program called ‘FilePing!’ that seems to offer no particular advantage over not using it at all.

Co-worker Donna Sheridan said: “Martin’s got this obsession with some obscure file-sharing program he thinks is cutting-edge, so we’ve all had to start using it.

“I had to go to a website, enter my details and download a thing which makes me dick around with zip files. Plus it keeps asking me if I want to upgrade to ‘FilePing! Pro’ which apparently costs ‘$4 per month’.

“What a fucking waste of time.”

Bishop said: “FilePing! offers cloud-based functionality in an enhanced security architecture with full data revertibility.

“I think the best feature is when people ask you what the weird thing on your screen is and you can impress them with how you are so good at technology that you’re basically from the future.

“Sometimes women inquire about it and then I offer to send them the link. Then they see me as some kind of master.”