Government right about fuel shortage

GOVERNMENT warnings of a fuel shortage have proved to be uncannily accurate.

Within hours of Francis Maude telling everyone to put a gun turret on their garage, petrol stations reported long queues of terrified people offering their children in exchange for a fill-up.

Mr Maude said: “I got a right load of shit from everyone yesterday but it turns out I was absolutely spot on.

“But will they apologise? Will they fuck.”

The cabinet office minister admitted his fuel shortage prediction was based on an educated guess, but denied strongly that it was a fluke.

He added: “Watch this.

“I think there’s going to be a milk shortage.”

Mr Maude was then forced to dive out of the way as four million people stampeded towards the nearest Asda, stripping it of milk as if it was a goat in a piranha tank.

As the dust settled, Mr Maude continued: “It’s weird isn’t it? It’s like I’m totally in the ‘zone’.

“Let’s try it with pasties.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Rihanna takes X-rated Tube journey

POP star Rihanna turned a short journey on the London Underground earlier this week into a salacious exploration of the dark side of her own sexuality.

The Bajan star, wearing thigh-high leather boots and hotpants, and her entourage boarded a train on the Jubilee Line and remade it as a fantasy brothel before disembarking at North Greenwich.

The pop star’s sexual odyssey began even before she boarded the train, when she passed through the barriers by sticking an Oyster card down her pants and grinding her crotch on the card reader.

She then spent the 15-minute journey dancing around poles, pressing her breasts against the glass and frotting herself against several uncomfortable middle-aged male commuters who were trying to read their Evening Standards.

Marketing director Tom Booker said: “At first I was excited to see such a big star on my carriage but I can do without strobe lights and a smoke machine when I’m trying to read Stalingrad on my Kindle, let alone some backing dancer’s tits in my face.

“I got quite excited at one point when I thought she was reading one of the Poems On The Underground, but it was just a rap about wanting to be tied up and spanked.”

Rihanna’s Tube trip is already being compared to Madonna’s seminal 1992 journey on the Bakerloo line, during which she had a threesome with a German dominatrix and Vanilla Ice.

Rihanna has taken the Tube before and credits a hour-long delay at Elephant & Castle, where she fought boredom by having sex with a Big Issue salesman, as her inspiration for the recent hit We Found Love In A Hopeless Place.