GOVERNMENT warnings of a fuel shortage have proved to be uncannily accurate.
Within hours of Francis Maude telling everyone to put a gun turret on their garage, petrol stations reported long queues of terrified people offering their children in exchange for a fill-up.
Mr Maude said: “I got a right load of shit from everyone yesterday but it turns out I was absolutely spot on.
“But will they apologise? Will they fuck.”
The cabinet office minister admitted his fuel shortage prediction was based on an educated guess, but denied strongly that it was a fluke.
He added: “Watch this.
“I think there’s going to be a milk shortage.”
Mr Maude was then forced to dive out of the way as four million people stampeded towards the nearest Asda, stripping it of milk as if it was a goat in a piranha tank.
As the dust settled, Mr Maude continued: “It’s weird isn’t it? It’s like I’m totally in the ‘zone’.
“Let’s try it with pasties.”