Greatest obstacle to believing in Britain 'twats like Boris'

THE UK public has admitted they could ‘believe in Britain’ if twats like Boris Johnson did not stand a chance of leading it. 

Britons confirmed that while there were many aspects of their country they admired, believing in it unequivocally while ‘fuckwits with track records of serial lying and relentless failure could still become prime minister was impossible’. 

Nathan Muir of Mansfield said: “He is British. He’s inarguably, definingly British. So how can we possibly be any good? 

“Likewise, I think of the Beatles, David Hockney, the majesty of Paddington 2 and then suddenly Jacob Rees-Mogg pops into my head and my swelling pride in Britain bursts like a septic boil. 

“For every Shakespeare there’s a David Davis boring the whole pub with his stories about being in the SAS. For every Stephen Hawking an Andrea Leadsom with her pinched, mean judgmental insistence that hers was the best cake at the village show. 

“How can I have faith in my country soaring to a bold new future while these turds are still floating in the bowl?” 

Boris Johnson said: “Would it help if I put a Union Jack waistcoat and top hat on?” 

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MPs to choose between customs union, second referendum and how the f**k did you get to the end of this sentence?

MPs will today hold a second series of indicative votes on Brexit and hello? Are you still there?

With a no-deal Brexit just 12 days away millions of people across Britain are being asked if they watched Line of Duty. Experts said it was ‘quite good’.

As MPs seek a consensus that could marginalise both Tory hard-Brexiters and People’s Vote campaigners it emerged that you are, for some reason, still reading this and are therefore part of the problem.

Meanwhile, the fourth paragraph of this news story has shifted its focus to Philip Schofield, who is 57 today.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “He does not look 57.”