Hammond separates Bourbons before eating them, says latest Tory leak

PHILIP Hammond removes the top of his Bourbon biscuits to lick the cream inside, the latest damaging leak from Cabinet meetings has claimed. 

Senior Tories have called for the Chancellor’s resignation after the revelation of his ‘stomach-turning’ approach to the popular breaktime treat, which has been called ‘divisive’ and ‘not conductive to government unity’.

An anonymous source said: “How is anyone supposed to concentrate on budget negotiations with his little pink tongue nipping out again and again, making them horrible and gooey?

“The rest of the cabinet may be split between dunkers and dry but we can live with each other. But what he does is disgusting, and un-British, and if he had any decency he’d go.”

A spokesman for the Treasury replied: “Hammond is making his Bourbon last longer, which in this time of austerity is a bold example to the nation.

“Meanwhile Boris Johnson bites into a four-finger Kit-Kat all at once. Filth.”

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Woman in Starbucks waiting for you to use the loo just so she can knock on the door when you’re in there

A WOMAN is waiting patiently for you to enter the toilet in Starbucks just so she can let you know that other people would like to use it at some point.

33-year-old Tracy Jones said: “I don’t even need the toilet, I just enjoy stressing other people out when they’re trying to relieve themselves.

“In this world, you’ve got to assert yourself and make sure your voice is heard, and for me that’s knocking very loudly on the cubicle door.

“I feel duty bound to let you know that there might be someone waiting outside, and you’re being utterly selfish by taking a suspiciously long time in there.

She added: “Sometimes I throw in a ‘can you hurry up please?’ if I’m feeling really brave and I don’t make you sufficiently uncomfortable.

“Ultimately, I’m just trying to help.”