AFTER Keir Starmer’s busy weekend rearranging deckchairs, it’s hard to know who’s who in the shadow cabinet and if you’re shadow secretary for transport. Find out:
Are you an elected member of the Labour party?
A) Yes, but I’m a leftover from the Blair years who survived Corbyn by keeping my head down, I never speak up in the Commons and I’m a total non-entity. So yes but no.
B) I don’t think so, I work at KFC, but it’s possible they’re doing something funny to avoid tax, I’ll ask my boss.
What did you do at work last week?
A) Mainly I just stapled white papers together. I wore a red tie though, if that helps.
B) Filled cardboard buckets with fried chicken and cleaned the traps on the fryer.
Do you get along with Keir Starmer?
A) Hang on, we’ve got a prepared answer from the press office about this. Give me a second, I’ve got it somewhere.
B) Yeah, he’s a great laugh. You mean Kieran who does the deliveries, yeah? We call him Kier.
Could your boss sack you?
A) Not really. All he can do is withdraw the whip, and that doesn’t really change anything. He did try sacking someone this weekend and ended up promoting her, and she’ll probably get a column in the Observer off the back of it and wear a #girlboss jumper to the next PMQs.
B) He could if he wanted, but I caught that chicken head before it went out to a customer last month so he still owes me one.
Can you deliver an effective policy?
A) If the stupid electorate would just vote for me it’s definitely a remote possibility.
B) Doubtful, although I can deliver an 80-piece Popcorn Bucket for £5.99 when you order via the app.
Mostly As: Congratulations, you’re boring, useless, and have no more idea how to run a government department than you would a chicken shop. You’re the new Shadow Secretary of State for Local Government.
Mostly Bs: Congratulations, you’re honest, hard-working and capable. Stick with KFC rather than taking a loser job as Shadow Secretary of State for International Development. Can I get two Zinger Box meals for £10?