‘He didn’t call us a shithole!’ declares triumphant Theresa May

THE prime minister is celebrating after Donald Trump did not include Britain in his list of ‘shithole’ countries. 

The president cancelled his visit to London because endorsing a bad property deal is a moral line he refuses to cross, but refrained from trashing Britain alongside Haiti and Nigeria in what Theresa May has described as a ‘personal victory’.

She said: “The very fact that we are on the president’s mind but not included in a list of ‘AIDS-ridden shithole countries’ that the US should cut all contact with is a diplomatic triumph for the UK that will leave our European rivals deeply envious.

“With this assurance I am happy to leave the EU without a deal, because our status as a non-shithole country in America’s eyes puts us at the front of the queue for trade.

She added: “I knew it was worth holding his tiny, slimy hand.”

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Trump blames cancelled London visit on Kirstie and Phil from 'Location, Location, Location'

PRESIDENT Trump has blamed his cancelled London visit on Barack Obama selling the US Embassy when he appeared on Location, Location, Location. 

Trump believes his predecessor was conned by Kirtsie Allsopp and Phil Spencer into selling the Grosvenor Square embassy for ‘peanuts’ thanks to the pair’s undervaluation of the property.

He continued: “The nanny girl and the sex pervert completely conned Obama, who knows nothing about real estate because he wasted his time in politics, and he fell for their British lies like a dog!

“Sold a beautiful embassy which I would have made into an extremely successful hotel because he was afraid she would give him a ‘spanking’! Sad!”

The president has demanded that the presenters be hung, drawn and quartered in front of him on his official state visit, because he knows that Britain still does that sort of thing.

Barack Obama admitted: “They show you so many properties and talk about how much money you’ll make and by the end of the show you’re so bamboozled you’ll agree to anything.

“Also, I was dumb thinking I could project manage the build of the new embassy myself, without any experience. Kevin warned me about that.”