‘He didn’t call us a shithole!’ declares triumphant Theresa May

THE prime minister is celebrating after Donald Trump did not include Britain in his list of ‘shithole’ countries. 

The president cancelled his visit to London because endorsing a bad property deal is a moral line he refuses to cross, but refrained from trashing Britain alongside Haiti and Nigeria in what Theresa May has described as a ‘personal victory’.

She said: “The very fact that we are on the president’s mind but not included in a list of ‘AIDS-ridden shithole countries’ that the US should cut all contact with is a diplomatic triumph for the UK that will leave our European rivals deeply envious.

“With this assurance I am happy to leave the EU without a deal, because our status as a non-shithole country in America’s eyes puts us at the front of the queue for trade.

She added: “I knew it was worth holding his tiny, slimy hand.”