Heseltine strangled dog as part of Thatcher cabinet initiation ceremony

LORD Heseltine has admitted strangling his mother’s dog for his initiation into Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet. 

The 83-year-old peer said that every member of Thatcher’s inner circle was forced to take a life and steal something irreplaceable from close family to prove they were outside bourgeois morality. 

He continued: “It’s an idea I believe she took from Aleister Crowley. I decided to get both my trials over with at once and choked the dog with my bare hands. 

“My mother never forgave me, of course, but I have to say it worked. From that moment on I had no sentimental respect for life, and human suffering was no longer any impediment to policy. 

“Of course, I was still terribly upset by what she did to Westland. That poor helicopter company. Still brings tears, even now.” 

The revelation follows Sir Geoffrey Howe’s admission that he threw a chimp from a moving train, Lord Tebbit’s boast of thrashing owls with a riding crop in the Cabinet Room, and Nigel Lawson’s confession that he hypnotised a swan to fly into a brick wall.

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Do all white people like camping? asks BBC

THE BBC has launched a thought-provoking investigation into whether all white people enjoy camping.

Following a controversial BBC poll about whether black people like fried chicken, the corporation continued to explore the big questions around race by asking whether Caucasians love sleeping under canvas.

Interviewee Tom Logan said: “As a white person I have to admit I love a bit of camping, even if it is a stereotype.

“I thought it was because of the sense of being closer to nature, but maybe it’s because of my skin pigmentation.

“Being asked these sorts of questions really makes you think.”

However some white people have condemned the tone of the BBC report. Mary Fisher said: “Just because I like camping, Nigel Slater cookbooks and vintage French-peasant style workwear doesn’t mean I’m some white person caricature from popular culture like…

“Actually I can’t think of a white person caricature from popular culture.”