Hipster politician thinks Article 49 is really underrated

A HIPSTER politician has claimed that Article 49 of the Lisbon Treaty is actually a lot better than Article 50.

Julian Cook said he understands why everyone is talking about Article 50 but they should also check out 49 and even 48 if they can get a copy.

Cook said: “Just listen to this – ‘Any European State which respects the values referred to in Article 2 and is committed to promoting them may apply to become a member of the Union. The European Parliament and national Parliaments shall be notified of this application’.

“That’s just great. It’s well, well ahead of it’s time.”

He added: 
“You can totally see how they were building towards Article 50 but without all the gloss and stuff.”

Asked what he thought about Article 51 Cook said:  “It’s just too commercial. I mean, ‘The provisions of this charter are addressed to the institutions, bodies’ – blah blah, heard it all before mate.”

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Woman already making space under stairs for bullshit healthy lifestyle gadget

A WOMAN who asked for a smoothie-maker for Christmas has found the perfect place for it to be stored and forgotten about.

Helen Archer, 29, has been pestering her boyfriend to buy her the LifeJuice 9000 since August, despite knowing she will talk about it obsessively for two weeks before placing it carefully in the cupboard under the stairs.

Archer said: “I love the idea of being healthy, especially at Christmas when I feel like an obese yak. I’ll start harping on during Christmas Day about how much I’m looking forward to my new juice diet. But it’s all bullshit.

“I’ll spend the week between Christmas and New Year researching healthy blended soups, but without actually making any because it’s still the holidays which means I need to be hammered by 2pm every day.

“And on January 6th I’ll make a green drink from some horrific combination of vegetables and realise the whole thing has been a pathetic waste of time and money.”

She added: “Next year I’ll want a thing that makes courgettes like spaghetti, because for some bloody reason I’ll have decided I don’t eat enough courgettes.”