BRITISH Christmas trees have said they cannot face being in living rooms after such a hellish year.
Having been put into the loft in a world where EU membership, sanity, Bowie and about 45 other national treasures still existed, the trees said people will just have to celebrate Christmas without them.
Nikki Hollis, a four-year-old, six-foot artificial pine, said: “If you think I’m going to stand there with glittery deer hanging off me while the news is on on the background you must be off your fucking head.
“If you want a totem to arrange your presents around, why not pick something more appropriate like a big binbag full of horse shit?
“It’s A Wonderful Life? Bollocks.”
Tree owner Wayne Hayes said: “I tried to get my tree through the loft hatch and it spread its branches like a cat trying to be dunked in a bath. It fired so many needles into my eyes that I gave up after an hour and bought a clothes drier to decorate instead.”