Pissed off Christmas trees refusing to leave loft in protest at 2016

BRITISH Christmas trees have said they cannot face being in living rooms after such a hellish year.

Having been put into the loft in a world where EU membership, sanity, Bowie and about 45 other national treasures still existed, the trees said people will just have to celebrate Christmas without them.

Nikki Hollis, a four-year-old, six-foot artificial pine, said: “If you think I’m going to stand there with glittery deer hanging off me while the news is on on the background you must be off your fucking head.

“If you want a totem to arrange your presents around, why not pick something more appropriate like a big binbag full of horse shit?

“It’s A Wonderful Life? Bollocks.”

Tree owner Wayne Hayes said: “I tried to get my tree through the loft hatch and it spread its branches like a cat trying to be dunked in a bath. It fired so many needles into my eyes that I gave up after an hour and bought a clothes drier to decorate instead.”

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Blair discovers centre ground is now a smouldering hole

FORMER prime minister Tony Blair has discovered the centre ground on which he was planning to build his new institute is now a large crater.

What was once a busy, built-up area is now charred, ruined and deserted, occupied only by some confused and bedraggled Liberal Democrat MPs and an Observer columnist waving his fist angrily at the sky.

Visiting the site from which he had hoped to relaunch his political career, Blair said, “Strangely enough it reminds me of the Middle East right now.

“I can see I’m going to have my work cut out if I’m going to match the job I did as Peace Envoy.”

Mr Blair had planned several initiatives as part of his comeback, including a return game of head tennis with England manager Kevin Keegan and a meet and greet session with the up and coming rock group Oasis.

He also planned a seminar on new technology entitled “Why We Must All ‘Dial Up’ And Embrace The Internet.”