Tories take huge lead in poll that's definitely not wrong like all the other polls were

PEOPLE are continuing to act like polls actually mean something, it has emerged.

With one poll claiming the Conservatives have a seven-point lead over Labour, some people will act like this actually means anything despite the last election, Brexit and Donald Trump.

Plumber Wayne Hayes said: “We’re still being told we should listen to polls, even though they might have been taken under less stringent conditions than the one they use for the results of Family Fortunes.”

Undecided voter, Mary Fisher said: “I was thinking about voting for Labour but then I saw a poll that said Corbyn had no chance of winning.

I thought the election was years away but the poll, which I think is the same one that’s been wrong about everything else for the last five years, seem quite convinced of the result.

It’s almost as if the poll was somehow there to tell me how to vote.”

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Owning a National Lottery account worse than having it hacked

YOUR life is already in serious trouble if you have a National Lottery account regardless of whether it gets hacked, experts believe.

After evidence of hacking emerged, Britons have been advised to consider what sort of total and utter loser has an online account to play the fucking lottery.

Cybersecurity expert Martin Bishop said: “There’s a risk of funds being stolen, but that’s nothing compared to wasting your life sitting at a computer losing money on idiotic games called ‘Winstant MegaBalls’.

“I’d advise players to reset their password, but also ask whether joylessly typing numbers into a machine in order to not win anything yet again is worthwhile.

“Buying a physical ticket in a shop is at least a real event with some sense of drama, but playing online is basically like having a tedious data inputting job, except you have to pay to do it.

“Players should give up on the whole stupid thing and do something real and life-enriching like playing with a dog or getting pissed.”

Shop assistant Tom Logan said: “Playing the lottery online leaves me more time to daydream about all the bling crap I’m going to buy, like a diamond-encrusted microwave.

“I hope these bastard hackers haven’t ruined my one in 11,784,430,926 chance of winning.”