Cafe puts on Fairport Convention to drive out hipsters

A CAFE has started playing Fairport Convention to encourage trendy young professionals to go away.

Mary Fisher, owner of the Demon Bean in Kilburn, took desperate measures after an infestation of laptop-wielding ‘digital nomads’ threatened her business.

She said: “They’d sit there, typing away, not buying anything. I had to take desperate measures, so I put on Liege & Lief by Fairport Convention, the one band it is not possible to like in an ironic way.

“There is nothing remotely cool about Fairport and their sincere evocations of the English folk tradition, combined with equally unfashionable rock elements.”

Freelance digital marketer Francesca Johnson said: “It is impossible to do my job without feeling zeitgeisty, and beardy warbling about fields and blacksmiths is the least zeitgeisty thing on the planet.

“If they got in some nomadic Tuareg synth players to beef it up a bit, I could get behind this. As it stands, it is everything I hate condensed into an earnest, six-minute stomp.

“I bet everyone who likes this voted for Brexit.

“Fortunately, there are another 40,000 cafes in walking distance where I can blog about Italian horror film chic while nursing a single espresso for five hours.”

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Southgate enjoys best moment of reign as England manager

GARETH Southgate has enjoyed what he will later agree was the happiest day of his stint as England manager.

Southgate beamed broadly and drank in the euphoria as he was appointed to the role yesterday, in the full knowledge that this was as good as it was going to get.

Southgate said: “I loved the pine-fresh smell of a new office, the freshly laundered and ironed blazer, the crisp, pristine wallchart that states that technically England are unbeaten under my management.

“Of course, it’s all going downhill now. We’ll crash out in the knockout stages of the next tournament, with the most memorable images being of a seething Wayne Rooney stomping on someone’s testicles.

“I’ll be compared to a root vegetable, with a photoshopped image of me as a parsnip holding an umbrella.

“After we draw 0-0 with The Faroe Islands I will come to understand why no one, but no one else applied for this job except me.

“Maybe I can get myself sacked for criminal behaviour. I’ll leak to the press that I’ve got an unpaid parking ticket from August.”