How I plan to spaff cash over the North, by Boris Johnson

by Prime Minister Boris Johnson

I LIKE the North now it’s a Tory heartland, and I plan to spunk about £80 billion to keep it that way. Here’s how I’ll do it: 

More dogsh*t bins

I’ve already pledged to fill in potholes because I know Northerners are simple folk without the intelligence to understand anything more complex. My new ‘Boris Bins’ will reduce how long you have to carry a warm turd around. Now that’s a real improvement to your quality of life.

A free orange

You won’t have seen these before, but take it from me they are a jolly tasty type of ‘fruit’. (Please note government funds do not stretch to one each. Leeds will have to share a bag of eight.)

A job in a cotton mill for every child

I’m all about tackling poverty and encouraging aspiration, and how better to increase family incomes than jobs for the kids? Putting their nimble little fingers in the fast-moving machinery every day will be a damn sight more educational than boring old school!

A big thing to look at

They’ve already got the Angel of the North, so it’s time for another. We’ll put it in Burnley, the North’s capital, and so far we’re thinking either a big teapot or a huge statue of the famous Northern leader Andy Capp that people can marvel at, and possibly worship.

More foodbanks 

I can guarantee there will be more foodbanks, allowing Northern families to enjoy a delicious meal of tinned hot dogs and instant coffee granules whenever they like.

Free English lessons

The economies of depressed Northern towns will thrive once everyone learns to speak English instead of gibberish like ‘Thah’s blartin’ like a pig up yon mam’s best ginnel, eeh bah ecky gum.’ If I’m to talk to you at all, that must stop.

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Kate Middleton on Mary Berry show after Tory win sees middle England orgasm itself into catatonia

THE Duchess of Cambridge on A Berry Royal Christmas days after a landslide Tory win made middle England come so hard it has fried its brains. 

Middle Englanders were already in a state of dangerous arousal after Boris Johnson’s victory, and Berry’s use of a mild cake-related innuendo in front of the future Queen made them orgasm so powerfully they can no longer do anything but sit drooling in floral armchairs.

Shaken Eleanor Shaw of Guildford said: “I only left the room for a moment to make my parents tea, hoping it would cool them down from their unprecedented post-election smugness high.

“All I could hear were the moans of ‘Kate!’ “Kate!’ ‘Oooh Kate!’ from the front room as I scrambled to get the Hob-Nobs before they reached fever pitch.

“But I was too late. Mary Berry said ‘Would you like to squirt on the cake?’ and they erupted in terrifying twin howls for their first, and last, mutual orgasm ever.

“I rushed back in. Their beige clothing was soaked from the waist down, their eyes rolled back in their heads. They no longer respond to stimuli. They came their brains out.”