Sunday, 25th October 2020

How I plan to spaff cash over the North, by Boris Johnson

by Prime Minister Boris Johnson

I LIKE the North now it’s a Tory heartland, and I plan to spunk about £80 billion to keep it that way. Here’s how I’ll do it: 

More dogsh*t bins

I’ve already pledged to fill in potholes because I know Northerners are simple folk without the intelligence to understand anything more complex. My new ‘Boris Bins’ will reduce how long you have to carry a warm turd around. Now that’s a real improvement to your quality of life.

A free orange

You won’t have seen these before, but take it from me they are a jolly tasty type of ‘fruit’. (Please note government funds do not stretch to one each. Leeds will have to share a bag of eight.)

A job in a cotton mill for every child

I’m all about tackling poverty and encouraging aspiration, and how better to increase family incomes than jobs for the kids? Putting their nimble little fingers in the fast-moving machinery every day will be a damn sight more educational than boring old school!

A big thing to look at

They’ve already got the Angel of the North, so it’s time for another. We’ll put it in Burnley, the North’s capital, and so far we’re thinking either a big teapot or a huge statue of the famous Northern leader Andy Capp that people can marvel at, and possibly worship.

More foodbanks 

I can guarantee there will be more foodbanks, allowing Northern families to enjoy a delicious meal of tinned hot dogs and instant coffee granules whenever they like.

Free English lessons

The economies of depressed Northern towns will thrive once everyone learns to speak English instead of gibberish like ‘Thah’s blartin’ like a pig up yon mam’s best ginnel, eeh bah ecky gum.’ If I’m to talk to you at all, that must stop.