The liberal elitists' guide to the brighter side of Brexit

BREXIT is now happening despite the fervent wishes of liberal elitists, but need it be so bad? Here’s how to look on the bright side: 

You don’t work in manufacturing
Car factories will close and small importers will go under, but you work in social media marketing in Bristol so none of that’s your problem. You don’t know them, you’ve never met them, and they voted for it so f*ck ‘em.

The pound is good and strong
The pound’s already way higher than it was and will probably go higher once foreign billionaires begin stashing their money here. That means cheap citybreaks, bargain fortnights in Sicily and buying your MacBook in New York again. Might as well.

Germany and France can go f*ck themselves
Pretending Merkel and Macron were great leftists, especially after the beggaring of Greece, was already a strain. Now there’s no need to pretend they’re anything other than neo-liberal kn*bheads forcing an entire continent to bend to their will.

House prices will go up
While you might disagree with the fundamental reasons behind it, once your London house is worth an extra £300k you’d be a fool not to take advantage by selling up and moving to the Lake District, where there’s much more cash for public services now because a Tory got in.

Less competition
The Romanians haven’t got into web design yet, but once they do they’d be rather too good at it and would happily do a job you bill three weeks for in six hours. Now you’ll never have to worry, though you will have to find a new cleaner.

Weed could get legalised
Boris Johnson will be looking for easy wins, chasing extra tax revenue and unfettered by EU laws, so why wouldn’t he legalise cannabis? America has. Soon you’ll be sparking up a spliff perfectly legally while continuing to rant about bloody Johnson.

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How to ruin Christmas with forced fun

CHRISTMAS is a time of goodwill and frivolity. But it doesn’t have to be. Here’s how to ruin it with forced fun.

Take Secret Santa seriously
Suck what little fun there was out of Secret Santa by running it like a dictator. Inspect receipts to make sure nobody went over budget, make participants swear not to reveal who had who, and ensure gifts are opened in a quiet, regimented order.

Meet up with friends from school
Can’t remember why you drifted apart from childhood friends you never really had anything in common with? Arrange to meet up for an awkward Christmas meal and the stilted conversation will remind you in no time.

Organise a Christmas jumper day
Insist everyone in your workplace has to wear a hideous Christmas-themed jumper which they will have to go out and buy especially and are certain to bin the next day. Drag out the misery by taking photos of your joyless team and sharing them via a company wide email nobody will open.

Uphold forgotten traditions
Forget putting silver coins in the Christmas pudding, really turn Christmas into a chore by demanding everyone opens their presents after dinner because that’s what you did as a kid and now you’re bringing it back for some reason.

Scold anyone who isn’t in a festive mood
If someone looks down in the dumps, cheerfully call them out on their bullshit by saying “that’s not very Christmassy” then laugh to mask the fury coursing through your veins.