CHRISTMAS party? Anyone sensible will recommend getting so drunk that you black out early doors, but sometimes that just isn’t possible. How else can you survive it?
Leave incredibly early
Before the night, everyone will have suggested not staying to the end would be a terrible faux pas that might affect your chances of promotion. But once you’re there, it’s clear that everyone’s been on the gin since 5pm and will have no memory whatsoever. You can slip off 20 minutes in and nobody will have the first clue.
People use Christmas parties as excuses to get wasted and get a blowie off their line manager in the toilets of Wetherspoons. Carefully document any such incidents and use them as leverage for a pay rise.
Make up some fun lies for the following day
It doesn’t matter what your workmates actually did when they’ll still wake up with a gnawing sense of guilt. Amuse yourself by dreaming up outlandish lies to tell the next day, and watch your work nemesis spend 2020 convinced they urinated in the boss’s handbag.
Tell everyone what you really think
Nobody will remember. If you stay until the nightclub stage, nobody will even hear. So why not scream ‘You’re selfish, ugly and the worst manager I’ve ever worked under!’ right into James’s face, while he drunkenly nods?
Be an absolute bellend
Once everyone’s so drunk they can’t remember anything, you can do whatever you like. Take a leak in someone’s pint, call everyone you don’t like a wanker and order ninety plates of lasagne on the company credit card. They’ll never guess it was the sober person.