How to get through your works do sober

CHRISTMAS party? Anyone sensible will recommend getting so drunk that you black out early doors, but sometimes that just isn’t possible. How else can you survive it? 

Leave incredibly early
Before the night, everyone will have suggested not staying to the end would be a terrible faux pas that might affect your chances of promotion. But once you’re there, it’s clear that everyone’s been on the gin since 5pm and will have no memory whatsoever. You can slip off 20 minutes in and nobody will have the first clue.

Collect evidence
People use Christmas parties as excuses to get wasted and get a blowie off their line manager in the toilets of Wetherspoons. Carefully document any such incidents and use them as leverage for a pay rise.

Make up some fun lies for the following day
It doesn’t matter what your workmates actually did when they’ll still wake up with a gnawing sense of guilt. Amuse yourself by dreaming up outlandish lies to tell the next day, and watch your work nemesis spend 2020 convinced they urinated in the boss’s handbag.

Tell everyone what you really think
Nobody will remember. If you stay until the nightclub stage, nobody will even hear. So why not scream ‘You’re selfish, ugly and the worst manager I’ve ever worked under!’ right into James’s face, while he drunkenly nods?

Be an absolute bellend
Once everyone’s so drunk they can’t remember anything, you can do whatever you like. Take a leak in someone’s pint, call everyone you don’t like a wanker and order ninety plates of lasagne on the company credit card. They’ll never guess it was the sober person.

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"Are you sure you don't want a plastic-free Christmas?" middle class parents ask children

ANXIOUS middle class parents are making a last ditch bid to sell the idea of a plastic-free Christmas to their children.

Nathan and Kate Muir are disappointed their children are still demanding plastic toys and games like filthy working-class children.

Kate said: “We’ve tried everything to convince them otherwise, from saying there’s a risk that Rudolph could choke on plastic waste to threatening to report them to Greta Thunberg.

“So you can imagine how sad I was to see a Frozen 2 Elsa doll and a Lego set on their letters to Santa. Not only are they bad for the environment but they’re completely gender typical and incredibly expensive.

“When I was a girl I got a Barbie and a pair of jelly shoes, but the early ‘90s were a different time. That was before I’d walked past an Extinction Rebellion protest march and downloaded The Guardian app.”

Three-year-old son Tom Muir said: “Just give me the equivalent cash value and we’ll call it quits, yeah?”