How to blame a bloke who left nine years ago for you being crap at your job, by Boris Johnson

HELLO. You’ve probably noticed, over the last nine years, how pretty much everything has gone wrong. The funny thing is, absolutely none of it is my fault. 

It would be easy to think it was, based purely on the coincidence that it’s been nine years and a handful of copper change since the Conservatives took power. But it would also be lazy and wrong.

Because – and this is the bit you can do in your jobs – it wasn’t me. It was the person who left nine years ago whose mess I’ve been clearing up ever since.

Cast your mind back. Past May, who already you can barely remember. Past girly-whirly swot Cameron, who probably should take some of the blame but then people might remember my role in it.

Remember a grouchy man, sullen, Scottish, mean with money? Remember the name Gordon Brown? Well, actually it was him?

‘Who he?’ I hear you cry. Exactly. He’s been gone so long no one can remember a flying fiddle about him. This is why he’s so easy to blame, because he’s as distant and confused a memory as the pop hits of the Black Eyed Peas.

You can do the same. Say something like, ‘Remember Bob? He set up these procedures.  I know I’ve had nine years to change it and now it’s obsolete and everyone who has worked on it between now and then has screwed it up, but really it’s all Bob’s fault.’

And if you subsequently realise that doesn’t sound very convincing, who gives a toss? I don’t.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dad putting toddler to bed wakes up three days later

A DAD putting his toddler to sleep then fell unconscious with a book on his lap for 72 hours, he has admitted. 

Tom Logan read a story to two-year-old Jamie and agreed to stay in his bedroom to ‘keep him company’ on Saturday evening, and regained consciousness late on Monday afternoon.

He said: “I told her I’d stay just while he drifted off to sleep. I held her little hand in mine. I thought about the takeaway and three bottles of wine me and Mummy were going to have later on, and that’s the last thing I remember.

“One minute I was fielding inane questions like ‘Why do we have armpits, Daddy?’, next I’d blacked out. Could she have put something in my drink? Would a toddler be capable of something like that?

“I do feel refreshed. I also feel like I’ve missed out on a big chunk of my life just because I have a child. More so than usual, I mean.”

Wife Lindsey said: “I considered waking him up but then I thought nah, all the more wine for me and I get to choose the film. It was a great night.”