Wednesday, 28th October 2020

Trump's seven-point plan for a better Britain

THEY’VE told me not to get involved in this election. So I won’t. I like Boris a lot and everyone should vote for him. Here’s my plan he’ll follow: 

1: Brexit. They say you’ve been talking about how you should Brexit. I say that’s like talking about how you should leave a room. Just walk out. 

2: America is doing so great. You wouldn’t believe how great. A lot of the great things we’re doing people don’t even talk about, that’s how great. And you’re Great Britain, so why would you want trade deals with anyone not great? So only trade with us. 

3: All the boring stuff? We’ll take care of it. Healthcare? We’re the best in the world. You want that. Police? There are so many movies about how incredible our police are, you can’t imagine. Roads? We’ve got freeways. They’re better. 

4: I’ll make Scotland part of Britain, okay? They want that. They love me up there. So when I take over, Scotland’s part of the deal. I’ll pay. That’s on me. I’m a very generous guy. 

5: The BBC, that’s a problem. The things they say about me? That’s got to stop. We’ll give the BBC to Piers. Perfect. 

6: In the World War, the good one, our GIs came over here and stayed with British families. Made love to their beautiful daughters. We will bring that back. Forcibly if necessary. That’s a promise. 

7: Real football. Because the football you have, that’s this thing the Brazilians invented because they couldn’t get NFL broadcast rights and it’s cheap, it’s bad, it’s no good. With Trump you’ll get the real football with quarterbacks and cheerleaders. We’re done? Okay. Vote for me.