Trump's seven-point plan for a better Britain

THEY’VE told me not to get involved in this election. So I won’t. I like Boris a lot and everyone should vote for him. Here’s my plan he’ll follow: 

1: Brexit. They say you’ve been talking about how you should Brexit. I say that’s like talking about how you should leave a room. Just walk out. 

2: America is doing so great. You wouldn’t believe how great. A lot of the great things we’re doing people don’t even talk about, that’s how great. And you’re Great Britain, so why would you want trade deals with anyone not great? So only trade with us. 

3: All the boring stuff? We’ll take care of it. Healthcare? We’re the best in the world. You want that. Police? There are so many movies about how incredible our police are, you can’t imagine. Roads? We’ve got freeways. They’re better. 

4: I’ll make Scotland part of Britain, okay? They want that. They love me up there. So when I take over, Scotland’s part of the deal. I’ll pay. That’s on me. I’m a very generous guy. 

5: The BBC, that’s a problem. The things they say about me? That’s got to stop. We’ll give the BBC to Piers. Perfect. 

6: In the World War, the good one, our GIs came over here and stayed with British families. Made love to their beautiful daughters. We will bring that back. Forcibly if necessary. That’s a promise. 

7: Real football. Because the football you have, that’s this thing the Brazilians invented because they couldn’t get NFL broadcast rights and it’s cheap, it’s bad, it’s no good. With Trump you’ll get the real football with quarterbacks and cheerleaders. We’re done? Okay. Vote for me. 

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Man who's wanked on about Brexit for three years not voting if it's cold

A MAN who has spent three years ranting about Brexit is not planning to vote on December 12th if it is cold that day. 

Norman Steele, aged 52, has droned on about Brexit in the pub, at work and at home, but admitted that he is not braving icy conditions just to do something as unimportant as voting.

Barmaid Nikki Hollis said: “I feel this is a betrayal of the 200 or so hours I have spent listening to his tedium about ‘Eurocrats’ and the fishing industry.

“You’d think he’d be champing at the bit to help Boris Johnson, or even the Brexit Party, but he’s made it clear he will not be walking 300 metres to the local primary school if he has to put a scarf on.

“Does three years of fury about the EU-SSR mean nothing? I’m starting to think Brexit is just some sort of weird role-play.”

Steele said: “They say it could be below freezing, so I may not be voting to throw off the yoke of oppression that has completely ruined my life since 1975.

“I don’t get on with the cold. Really I should move to Spain, but for now I’m just going to be staying right here cosy by the radiator.

“Did I actually vote in the referendum? I think so. Or was it raining that day?”