How to blame Remain voters for Brexit

ARE you a Leaver starting to think Brexit might be as bad as everyone said? Here’s how to blame Remainers for it:

They didn’t get behind Brexit

Unfathomably, the people who opposed a thing still opposed it a day later. They should have embraced it, like in the old Brexiter saying ‘Don’t be ungrateful when your house is burned down for it’s doubled the size of your garden’.

They didn’t accept a soft Brexit

Brexit could have been as soft and squidgy as a toasted marshmallow if only nasty Remain MPs hadn’t made a fuss. Theresa May – remember her? – loved the single market and open borders and all that, but you people wouldn’t behave.

They like being victims

If the incessant whining had ever stopped, we’d be a united country. Remainers should have sucked up the insults from the winners, the media and Theresa May – she used to be prime minister – but no, they went running to the courts like little bitches.

They don’t believe in Britain

Every third thought that passes through a Brexiter’s head is about how great Britain is. For Remainers, we’re lucky if it’s one in 20. No wonder the EU saw our weakness and forced us to sign deals that were great triumphs at the time but turned out to be bollocks later.

It can’t be your fault

You’re a patriot who defied the elites and made a decision everybody cheered for because it was right. If Brexit leads to a second recession and you personally losing your job and car, it’s lefty liberal Corbynite citizen-of-nowhere do-gooder Marxist snowflake luvvie traitors to blame. You only voted for it.

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'I've just taken the bins out', and other ways to tell your partner you're not up for a shag

NOT interested in any hanky-panky tonight? Want to let your partner down gently? Try these perfectly reasonable ways of getting out of it: 

‘I’ve just taken the bins out’

Bins are dirty, and those who touch the bins are dirty, and those who touch those who touch the bins are dirty, and it’s an invisible filth that can never be scrubbed away. Mention you’ve done the bins and you’re an outcast until at least tomorrow.

‘I have to get up really early’

A classic of the genre, this is a succinct and failsafe way to shift the blame from yourself on to the forces of time. The only downside is that you will have to be out by 6am or your partner might suspect that something’s amiss. Slam the door hard to drive the point home.

‘I feel bloated’

The perfect get-out-of-sexual-intercourse-free card, provided you’ve stuffed enough at dinner. Groan and clutch at your stomach to convince your partner that sex with you tonight would be a slow and flatulent affair.

‘I’m worried the cat might be ill’

You need to be emotionally ‘in the zone’ for any forthcoming fornication. A sad glance at your happily dozing moggy while raising the spectre of ringworm proves that you’re not an unfeeling unavailable husk while making it insensitive to propose a quick f**k.

‘There’s a wasp nest in the garage’

If all else fails, bring out the big guns — a big gang of horrible wasps will strike fear into anyone’s genitals, and nothing’s more of a turn-off than spending a week’s wages on a call-out from the pest control man.