Wednesday, 5th August 2020

All youthful hedonism must stop, old people agree

BRITAIN’S over-40s have agreed that young people enjoying themselves must be outlawed now that they can no longer join in.

Baby boomers who grew up on downers, uppers and cocaine have confirmed that it is different now and these kids on their hippy crack have to be stopped.

Bill McKay, aged 68, said: “I’m no fuddy-duddy. As a young hippy I went to the Isle of Wight festival because I believed in peace, sticking it to the man and smoking hash near-constantly.

“But while my memories are a little hazy, I’m pretty sure we settled for only sticking it to the man to a limited extent, tidied up after ourselves and were home early. Not like these kids, who are out of control.”

Former punk Julian Cook agreed: “Our motto was ‘get pissed and destroy’. But when we got pissed and destroyed we did so responsibly and always on licenced premises.

“We always played our Anti-Nowhere League records at a reasonable level and if anyone had offered us silver capsules containing dangerous substances like nitrous oxide as opposed to sensible ones like glue, we would have told the police.”

19-year-old James Bates said: “I hope I die before I get old. Then again I bet they did, too.”