THERE are only 36 shopping days until Christmas is cancelled. Joking! But assuming it does happen, how does one go about shopping for an indeterminate number of kids?
Buy in bulk
If you find it hard to nail down exactly how many children you’ve sired, play it safe this festive season and buy in bulk. Personally, I know I’ve got more than a polo team but less than an England Rugby Team. So ten presents is the sweet spot. Probably.
Assuming you also have to get by on a pittance of £150,402 a year, you’ll be looking to save some money. Keep costs down by buying cheap things like chlorinated chicken from the US. If all else fails, buy Chinese, so long as you can overlook their litany of human rights abuses. Which I can.
The most popular gifts sell out weeks in advance around the holiday season – just look at the scramble to buy a Playstation 5. So be sure to make a pre-emptive strike and order your copies of Lucretius’s On the Nature of Things before they get snapped up.
Remember name tags
You might not know their exact names, but I have a solution for that. Simply address the gifts to ‘Sport’, ‘Chum’ or ‘Sweetheart’. If you’re really struggling feel free to just put ‘To whom it may concern’ or take a punt on a ludicrously posh name like Inigo, Rafferty or Lavinia.
Try not to father any more kids while shopping
Don’t get overwhelmed by lustful feelings and the powerfully erotic ladies garments in your local Harvey Nics and drag your other half off for a bonk in the disabled loo. The last thing you need is another child to buy for next Christmas.