HAVE you seen the Matt Hancock photo? Feel tainted? Worried you’ll never find the idea of sexual intercourse appealing again? Cleanse your soul with these tips:
Wash your eyes with lukewarm water
The eyes are the window to the soul, so give them a wash. While you might be tempted to reach for the bleach after glimpsing that snap of Hancock awkwardly fumbling with his aide, you’re better off lightly splashing them with some room temperature tap water.
Your mind is probably going at a mile a minute and asking questions like who on Earth finds Matt Hancock attractive? What political shit storm is this distracting from? Stop your mind racing by sitting cross-legged, closing your eyes, and mentally picturing his resignation.
Pamper yourself rotten. Take the rest of the day off, get a big takeaway in, then kick back with your favourite film and a nice cool six pack. You’ve earned it. Only have a wank if you’re confident the memory of the photo won’t drift into your mind and ruin the whole thing.
Have a vigorous shower
Wash away all memories of Hancock’s arse-fondling clinch. If this symbolic gesture doesn’t work, drink a bottle of vodka.
Invest in crystals
Previously you’ve baulked at the idea of crystals having magical healing properties, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Clear quartz is considered by weirdos to be the ‘master healer’, so hopefully that should do the trick. If you can’t get your hands on any, try a piece of gravel. It’s all the same really.
Find an exorcist
If your soul is still possessed by the the Hancock photo, it’s time to bring out the big guns. Exorcists are specialists in expelling demonic entities, so they should be able to banish that Sun picture. Be warned though: you might say some foul-mouthed things about your mother in the process.