How to cleanse your corrupted soul after seeing the Hancock photo

HAVE you seen the Matt Hancock photo? Feel tainted? Worried you’ll never find the idea of sexual intercourse appealing again? Cleanse your soul with these tips:

Wash your eyes with lukewarm water

The eyes are the window to the soul, so give them a wash. While you might be tempted to reach for the bleach after glimpsing that snap of Hancock awkwardly fumbling with his aide, you’re better off lightly splashing them with some room temperature tap water.


Your mind is probably going at a mile a minute and asking questions like who on Earth finds Matt Hancock attractive? What political shit storm is this distracting from? Stop your mind racing by sitting cross-legged, closing your eyes, and mentally picturing his resignation.

Practise self-love

Pamper yourself rotten. Take the rest of the day off, get a big takeaway in, then kick back with your favourite film and a nice cool six pack. You’ve earned it. Only have a wank if you’re confident the memory of the photo won’t drift into your mind and ruin the whole thing.

Have a vigorous shower

Wash away all memories of Hancock’s arse-fondling clinch. If this symbolic gesture doesn’t work, drink a bottle of vodka.

Invest in crystals

Previously you’ve baulked at the idea of crystals having magical healing properties, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Clear quartz is considered by weirdos to be the ‘master healer’, so hopefully that should do the trick. If you can’t get your hands on any, try a piece of gravel. It’s all the same really.

Find an exorcist

If your soul is still possessed by the the Hancock photo, it’s time to bring out the big guns. Exorcists are specialists in expelling demonic entities, so they should be able to banish that Sun picture. Be warned though: you might say some foul-mouthed things about your mother in the process.

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The Brexiter's guide to pretending obviously bad things are good

MANY new problems with Brexit have emerged recently. Here chipper Leave voter Roy Hobbs explains why the plainly catastrophic is somehow great news for Britain.

Data roaming charges to be reintroduced in Europe

Excellent. It means our young people visiting the continent will spend less time on their phone on their favourite ‘woke’ sites. They’ll be forced to walk around taking in their surroundings, and will realise just how dreadful the EU is. 

Pigeon fanciers barred from having their birds participate in cross-channel races

Marvellous. Now our British pigeons are safe in domestic competitions. Stray into French territory and they’d doubtless be caught and eaten like horses.

A 17 per cent rise in food prices

Again, superb. Millennials are an obese crowd and food shortages will leave them leaner, fitter and more able to fight in World War 2.

EU limiting non-EU content in its broadcasting

Ha! Let them try. They’ll soon come back to the negotiating table when they pine for the wry, hilarious observations of Michael McIntyre or the quality drama of Eastenders instead of Benelux Tractor Of The Year, or whatever unwatchable drivel they watch over there.

British fishing industry ruined

They reckon without the slippery cunning of the British cod, which no European trawler is any match for. Like the plucky flotillas at Dunkirk, they’ll find a way back to British waters, to be served up at cafes in Margate and Walmington-On-Sea.