DURING the past 16 months, health secretary Matt Hancock has been tirelessly protecting public health while getting his dick wet. Here’s how it went down:
March 16, 2020
Covid-19 situation looking a bit iffy. Prime minister warning everyone not to go to pubs or clubs and avoid non-essential travel. Unprecedented and disastrous until I realise there might be a shag in this.
March 23, 2020
Lockdown announced by PM. Think he’s probably going to deal with the whole thing himself so next six months should be pretty relaxed. Might be a good time to hire that aide I fancy.
March 27, 2020
Contracted Covid. Call Chris Whitty explaining that a friend has caught it and needs to know if it’s sexually transmitted. He says coincidence, he’s just had the same call from Boris.
April 18, 2020
Deaths at record levels. PPE shortages critical. The whole country locked in their homes. Still on the bright side I just made third base and I feel f**king great.
May 1, 2020
Proudly confirm to Parliament that I’ve met my 100,000 tests a day target, by cheating. Proudly confirm to Boris that I had sex five times yesterday, by cheating.
June 15, 2020
As lockdown restrictions end, sadly explain that so must our illicit liaison. She takes it well. Add that if there’s a second lockdown we’re back on.
October 31, 2020
PM announces second lockdown. Greet aide holding bouquet with trousers round ankles.
December 16, 2020
Explain to aide I won’t be able to see her over Christmas because regulations will be relaxed for five days for groups of up to three households to meet. She asks if I believe that bollocks. I affirm that it will definitely, without a doubt, happen.
December 25, 2020
Spend day shagging aide in office.
February 18, 2021
Wife asks why I have lipstick on collar. Accuse her of playing petty politics when we should be talking about our world-beating vaccine rollout.
June 16, 2021
Johnson described me as ‘f**king useless’. Rees-Mogg describes me as a ‘successful genius’. Aide confirms one of these is a filthy lie.
June 25, 2021
Leak footage of me squeezing aide’s arse to Sun. If Johnson won’t do the right thing for Britain and fire me, I’ll have to force his hand. Also, look! I’m shagging!