Going down in lockdown: Matt Hancock's pandemic sex diary

DURING the past 16 months, health secretary Matt Hancock has been tirelessly protecting public health while getting his dick wet. Here’s how it went down: 

March 16, 2020

Covid-19 situation looking a bit iffy. Prime minister warning everyone not to go to pubs or clubs and avoid non-essential travel. Unprecedented and disastrous until I realise there might be a shag in this. 

March 23, 2020

Lockdown announced by PM. Think he’s probably going to deal with the whole thing himself so next six months should be pretty relaxed. Might be a good time to hire that aide I fancy.

March 27, 2020

Contracted Covid. Call Chris Whitty explaining that a friend has caught it and needs to know if it’s sexually transmitted. He says coincidence, he’s just had the same call from Boris. 

April 18, 2020

Deaths at record levels. PPE shortages critical. The whole country locked in their homes. Still on the bright side I just made third base and I feel f**king great. 

May 1, 2020

Proudly confirm to Parliament that I’ve met my 100,000 tests a day target, by cheating. Proudly confirm to Boris that I had sex five times yesterday, by cheating. 

June 15, 2020

As lockdown restrictions end, sadly explain that so must our illicit liaison. She takes it well. Add that if there’s a second lockdown we’re back on.

October 31, 2020

PM announces second lockdown. Greet aide holding bouquet with trousers round ankles. 

December 16, 2020

Explain to aide I won’t be able to see her over Christmas because regulations will be relaxed for five days for groups of up to three households to meet. She asks if I believe that bollocks. I affirm that it will definitely, without a doubt, happen. 

December 25, 2020

Spend day shagging aide in office. 

February 18, 2021

Wife asks why I have lipstick on collar. Accuse her of playing petty politics when we should be talking about our world-beating vaccine rollout. 

June 16, 2021

Johnson described me as ‘f**king useless’. Rees-Mogg describes me as a ‘successful genius’. Aide confirms one of these is a filthy lie. 

June 25, 2021

Leak footage of me squeezing aide’s arse to Sun. If Johnson won’t do the right thing for Britain and fire me, I’ll have to force his hand. Also, look! I’m shagging!

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How to find a career you'll love for at least a month

ENJOYING your job is important, at least until the novelty wears off and you realise it’s still just a job. Here’s how to find a career that will truly satisfy you for a few weeks.

Choose something that pays a lot

Being lured in by a big pay packet will make you feel good for a very short time. Enjoy watching your bank account grow, until it dawns on you that your life is meaningless – and no one has any sympathy because you’re a smug, overpaid twat. 

Get a job title that sounds cool

The main point of working is to pathetically try to impress other people. Look for buzzwords like ‘strategist’, ‘creative’ or ‘ideation lead’, and feel highly superior. Then realise that even the ponciest job title means getting out of bed every day and wasting your time in unnecessary meetings with people you don’t like. 

Look for a set-up that is convenient

A job near your house? Work you can do from home long-term? Something that fits around your childcare arrangements? These are all incredibly handy, but narrow down your career options so much you’ll be forced to do work you loathe and despise within a matter of weeks. 

Seek out work that suits your personality

Try to find a creative job that allows you to be yourself. Fab! Until you grasp that everyone wants a job like this and the competition means your employer will pay you peanuts until you retire, still with a massive student loan.  

Do what your parents want you to do

There is nothing like the glow you feel when your parents admit they’re pleased with you, so become a corporate lawyer or similar. It’s even better if your siblings have careers they disapprove of, eg. street juggler in Bristol. Until you notice you are bored shitless all the time.