HAVE you spent years accusing anyone who’s ever been to France of being a traitor, but now feel rather overtaken with events? Here’s what to do:
Blame Theresa May
She’s the catch-all Brexit scapegoat, so spout impassioned guff about how she destroyed your pure, hard Brexit and then left, her mission complete. It doesn’t make sense, but nobody who’s met you is expecting sense.
Tell everyone you were lied to by a bus
The £350 million lie on the Brexit bus has become a magical get out of jail free card for people who ignored that it was bullshit at the time. Everyone will nod and say ‘mmm, bus.’
Pretend it was all a ‘joke’
Explain that your previously inflexible, border-obsessed racist attitude was actually an immersive, durational piece of performance art that they didn’t ‘get’. This includes running to become a UKIP councillor in 2018.
Make up a convoluted conspiracy theory
As a former Brexiter everyone expects you to be a bit loopy, so offer an incredibly complicated explanation involving the EU Army, white slavery rings, a new drug called Hexadeth and your plan to destroy Europe from the inside and people will accept it.
Fake your own death and move to Italy
If after three years of inisting you’ll never set foot outside of British territory again you feel like a holiday, just bugger off to a villa in Tuscany. Don’t worry. Nobody will try to track you down.