Wednesday, 19th February 2020

How to climb down gracefully from being a rabid Brexiter

HAVE you spent three years accusing anyone who’s ever been to France of being a traitor, but now realise you’ll be destitute by summer if we leave? Here’s what to do: 

Blame Theresa May

She’s the catch-all Brexit scapegoat, so spout impassioned guff about how she has stolen your pure, hard Brexit and now you’ve swapped sides just to spite her. It doesn’t make sense, but nobody who’s met you is expecting sense.

Tell everyone you were lied to by a bus

The £350 million lie on the Brexit bus has become a magical get out of jail free card for people who ignored that it was bullshit at the time. Everyone will nod and say ‘mmm, bus.’

Pretend it was all a ‘joke’

Explain that your previously inflexible, border-obsessed racist attitude was actually an immersive, durational piece of performance art that they didn’t ‘get’. This includes running to become a UKIP councillor in 2018.

Make up a convoluted conspiracy theory

As a former Brexiter everyone expects you to be a bit loopy, so offer an incredibly complicated explanation involving the EU Army, white slavery rings, a new drug called Hexadeth and your plan to destroy Europe from the inside and people will accept it.

Fake your own death and move to Italy

If after three years of inisting you’ll never set foot outside of British territory again you feel like a holiday, just bugger off to a villa in Tuscany. Don’t worry. Nobody will try to track you down.