How to f**k up your Christmas with politics

THE general election has already ruined the Christmas run-up, but it doesn’t have to stop there. Here’s how to let it turn the whole festive period into sh*t: 

Invent a parlour game about whether Johnson or Corbyn would make the best Father Christmas. Johnson does leave a trail of disappointed children behind and everything about him is a lie, but Corbyn owns red, beards and massive unfunded giveaways. Fun for all ages.

Labour’s anthem The Red Flag is sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree, so why not change more carols to have political lyrics? Rejig Away In A Manger to be more about Syrian refugees than it already is, or The Little Drummer Boy to ‘get Brexit done, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum’.

Tell everyone that the quality of their presents is directly dependent on the party of your choice being elected. On Christmas Day, show them what they could have won before whisking away a Nespresso and replacing it with a dusty, back-of-the-cupboard cafetiere.

At Christmas dinner, make sure to seat Leave and Remain voters alternately, to keep conversation lively. Comments like ‘Turkey? Not the kind that’s joining the EU?’ or ‘More Brussels for everyone?’ should see sparks fly.

As the Mrs Brown’s Boys festive special kicks off, speculate that the show will be subject to border checks after Brexit and be delayed until mid-February. Nothing will polarise a family like this.

At charades, attempt to convey divisive concepts like ‘the Lib Dems’ claim to represent a powerful political force’, ’40 new hospitals and 50,000 nurses’ or, simply, ‘Nigel Farage’. Guests will soon leave and you can finish the Heroes yourself.

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Boy was on hospital floor because he wanted to get Brexit done, says Johnson

BORIS Johnson has claimed that the boy lying on a floor in A&E was doing it as a protest because he wants to get Brexit done.

Johnson, who asked to keep the phone he first saw the photo on yesterday as a memento, told Britain that Jack Williment-Barr was just trying to draw attention to the terrible plight of a country trapped in the EU.

He continued: “At first I was worried it was another one of my kids. I’m always being confronted with a photo of one or other of them, with some woman banging on about ‘neglect’.

“But no, Jack’s more like that Swedish girl, you know the one, stays off school to protest against Scandinavian socialism and pop music.

“This brave boy, who was suffering from suspected pneumonia due to the long-term effects of Jeremy Corbyn’s dithering, decided the only way to bring attention to his country’s predicament was to lie on the floor next to his perfectly clean, serviceable bed.

“It’s worked brilliantly. Thanks to him, the whole of the UK’s talking about how we urgently need to elect a Conservative government to pass my Brexit bill.

“I owe you a debt, Jack. If I win on Thursday, you can have a two-week course of amoxicillin on me.”