Friday, 30th October 2020

How to f**k up your Christmas with politics

THE general election has already ruined the Christmas run-up, but it doesn’t have to stop there. Here’s how to let it turn the whole festive period into sh*t: 

Invent a parlour game about whether Johnson or Corbyn would make the best Father Christmas. Johnson does leave a trail of disappointed children behind and everything about him is a lie, but Corbyn owns red, beards and massive unfunded giveaways. Fun for all ages.

Labour’s anthem The Red Flag is sung to the tune of O Christmas Tree, so why not change more carols to have political lyrics? Rejig Away In A Manger to be more about Syrian refugees than it already is, or The Little Drummer Boy to ‘get Brexit done, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum’.

Tell everyone that the quality of their presents is directly dependent on the party of your choice being elected. On Christmas Day, show them what they could have won before whisking away a Nespresso and replacing it with a dusty, back-of-the-cupboard cafetiere.

At Christmas dinner, make sure to seat Leave and Remain voters alternately, to keep conversation lively. Comments like ‘Turkey? Not the kind that’s joining the EU?’ or ‘More Brussels for everyone?’ should see sparks fly.

As the Mrs Brown’s Boys festive special kicks off, speculate that the show will be subject to border checks after Brexit and be delayed until mid-February. Nothing will polarise a family like this.

At charades, attempt to convey divisive concepts like ‘the Lib Dems’ claim to represent a powerful political force’, ’40 new hospitals and 50,000 nurses’ or, simply, ‘Nigel Farage’. Guests will soon leave and you can finish the Heroes yourself.