How to get a decent nap during a pandemic, by Boris Johnson

I THINK it’s pretty ruddy important to get some shut-eye during the working day. It’s tricky with Covid going on, but here’s how I manage it. Maybe you can too.

Don’t take your work too seriously

Taking your job too seriously is a real snooze-killer, so don’t worry about anything. If your naps clash with a dozen key Cobra meetings, so be it. You can always wing it, and other people will probably pick up your slack.

Invest in some really comfy pillows 

Just what you need for a trip to the land of nod. I like to really nuzzle into those pillows so that when I wake up, my hair is already messed up in my trademark ‘look’, which is roguish, fun and handily covers my bald patches.

Don’t let your kids disturb you

There’s very little chance of sleeping if the kids are around. So when I need a brief British version of a siesta, I have Carrie take Wilf out for a walk. Although in the past I’ve found never seeing your kids and denying some of them exist works too.

Delegate

While I’m vividly dreaming about flying a Spitfire in WW2, in the waking world my bidding is being done by such reliable ministers as Hancock, Gove, Raab, Patel and Williamson. Nothing could go wrong with the country in such safe hands. And Marcus Rashford can always think up a few policies.

Tire yourself out

For me, exercise does the trick. So why not go on a seven-mile bike ride with your entire security detail? Yes there’s a lockdown on, but you need your beauty sleep. When you wake up, it’s unlikely the entire nation will be absolutely furious about it.

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What age should a woman have a baby at, and why they're all wrong

ARE you a woman who’s planning on having a child at some point? Here are some ages to have one at and why society will judge you for all of them. 

Under 22 years old

God, what is this, the 15th century? We don’t just have to procreate as soon as our bodies tell us to, you know. Having a child at this age smacks of teenage irresponsibility – broken condoms and even more broken dreams. Let’s hope your ashamed mum is able to pretend it’s hers and raise it as your sister. 

23-26 years old

Barely out of university and already settling down? You’re either a fundamentalist Christian or someone with no direction in life. You’re probably married to your childhood sweetheart and think children are going to give you the personality you’ve been lacking all these years. The rest of us went travelling. You’d better hope that nightclubs and MDMA are still around when you’re finally free of the kid aged 46.

27-32 years old

Well, someone’s already bored of going out and having fun with their friends. And just as you’re getting going in your job you’re going to throw it all away for mummy and toddler groups. Still, if you want to swap nappies for career progression and lose a small fortune in earnings that’s up to you. 

33-39 years old

So you’ve decided to become that hopeless manager who dashes off to school plays rather than sit through a whole meeting? However if you don’t have a child in your 30s, rest assured friends, family and colleagues will worriedly ask you when you intend to. Yes, you cannot win.

40+ years old

Leaving it a bit late, aren’t we? Being too picky about finding a man as you slowly turn into an aged, childless crone? And when you do have kids you won’t be able to keep up with them in the playground, because you’re practically a pensioner now, not a perfectly healthy 41-year-old.