Monday, 8th March 2021

How to maintain a low profile, by Harry and Meghan

WANT to live a quiet life? Retiring wallflowers the Duke and Duchess of Sussex give their tips on how to successfully stay out of the public eye.

Make a big fuss about it

Rather than sliding into obscurity gracefully in a way that could win the public over, we prefer to deliver the news via awkward speeches. We’ll probably do one this afternoon, just to remind everyone we’re stepping back from being high-profile royals for the 200th time. Oh and we’re having a baby. Did we mention that?

Still try to go to public events

As a nobody you’ll no longer be invited to all the highlights of the social calendar like laying a wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday. But you can still make your absence felt by asking to take part in a way that will dominate the headlines for days, or at least until you do something else to avoid attention.

Release statements about your personal life

We hate the press which is why we’ve cut all ties with them, except for when we release photos and statements about our personal lives. Having successfully sued the Mail there’s a chance the tabloids might be too scared to talk about us, so we’d better send them some more arty photos of us enjoying our privacy.

Hang out with celebrities

Movie premiers are decidedly low-key affairs, so stay out of the spotlight by going to them and getting photographed talking to world famous pop stars like Beyonce. We could go in disguise to really be anonymous, but what’s the point in avoiding publicity if you can’t be recognised while you’re doing it?

Keep being sixth in line for the throne

Stepping down as senior royals is exhausting work. Not only do you have to think about getting a job but you get to retain all the titles and a claim to the throne. On the upside we’re no longer plastered all over tacky Buckingham Palace souvenirs, so we’ll be releasing our own range of Meghan and Harry merchandise next week. We’re available for interviews.