How to maintain a low profile, by Harry and Meghan

WANT to live a quiet life? Retiring wallflowers the Duke and Duchess of Sussex give their tips on how to successfully stay out of the public eye.

Make a big fuss about it

Rather than sliding into obscurity gracefully in a way that could win the public over, we prefer to deliver the news via awkward speeches. We’ll probably do one this afternoon, just to remind everyone we’re stepping back from being high-profile royals for the 200th time. Oh and we’re having a baby. Did we mention that?

Still try to go to public events

As a nobody you’ll no longer be invited to all the highlights of the social calendar like laying a wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday. But you can still make your absence felt by asking to take part in a way that will dominate the headlines for days, or at least until you do something else to avoid attention.

Release statements about your personal life

We hate the press which is why we’ve cut all ties with them, except for when we release photos and statements about our personal lives. Having successfully sued the Mail there’s a chance the tabloids might be too scared to talk about us, so we’d better send them some more arty photos of us enjoying our privacy.

Hang out with celebrities

Movie premiers are decidedly low-key affairs, so stay out of the spotlight by going to them and getting photographed talking to world famous pop stars like Beyonce. We could go in disguise to really be anonymous, but what’s the point in avoiding publicity if you can’t be recognised while you’re doing it?

Keep being sixth in line for the throne

Stepping down as senior royals is exhausting work. Not only do you have to think about getting a job but you get to retain all the titles and a claim to the throne. On the upside we’re no longer plastered all over tacky Buckingham Palace souvenirs, so we’ll be releasing our own range of Meghan and Harry merchandise next week. We’re available for interviews.

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You spread out the f**king toppings, pizza manufacturers told

BRITONS have lashed out at pizza manufacturers who tell them to spread out the toppings themselves, which is clearly not their responsibility.

Purchasers of supermarket pizzas are kicking back against being told to distribute pepperoni, mozzarella and other items on a product they assumed would be finished.

Pizza-eater Tom Logan said: “Every pizza I buy comes with the caveat ‘Make sure toppings are spread evenly’. Well f**k you.

“I wouldn’t buy a car with a handbook that says ‘Remember to attach a steering wheel’, so I don’t see why these lazy bastard pizza-makers should get away with it.” 

Stonebaked pizza aficionado Nikki Hollis agreed: “They’re taking the piss. Sorry, pizza makers, but some of us don’t have a trained Italian chef on hand to finish making your products. 

“I forgot to rearrange the toppings once and all the pepperoni was too close to the middle. Obviously I had to chuck it in the bin because I’m not feeding my kids that.”

Supermarket pizza-maker Martin Bishop said: “We don’t spread the toppings evenly because we can’t be arsed, and knock off at 1pm every day to smoke weed.”