Thursday, 25th February 2021

How to govern the UK using plots from movies, by Matt Hancock

THIS week I explained that I based the nation’s Covid response on the movie Contagion. Which is fine and not worrying at all. Here are some other movies I’d like to turn into policy.

Speed

Imagine how productive Britain would be if all buses ran at a constant speed of 60mph. Yes, there would be non-stop fatal crashes, but you wouldn’t find those pesky London bus drivers whinging about safety or pay rises if they’re sitting on top of a bomb.

The Wolf of Wall Street

Rishi Sunak could learn a thing or two from this. Leonardo DiCaprio brings in plenty of revenue thanks to his shrewd investments, with no ‘quantitative easing’ or ‘Eating Out to Help Out’ needed. And there are no bad consequences for anyone. I think. I nodded off. It’s very long.

Inception

Christopher Nolan’s epic is often incomprehensible, has endless twists and U-turns, goes on for ages and after a while everyone just wishes it’ll be over. This is exactly how we’re running the government.

Kes

Kes really helped me understand the concerns and aspirations of Northerners. They basically just want a free kestrel, so we should pop some in jiffy bags and get them in the post. It’s a bit depressing though, so I turned it off halfway through and watched the excellent Northern documentary The Full Monty instead.

Zombieland

Very much my ‘plan B’ movie for the Covid response. If everything goes south and the death toll spirals out of control, I’ll simply drive around the motorways of the South East with a shotgun looting tinned food. This is an excellent plan. Must remember to buy a shotgun.

Any film with a sad ending

When I need to shed a few crocodile tears on cue, like on Good Morning Britain, I think of a film with a sad ending. Like when the poor IRS can’t repossess grandma’s house at the end of Happy Gilmore, or when Richard Gere gets distracted from asset stripping companies in Pretty Woman and shacks up with prostitute Julia Roberts instead of a nice lady.